A Bitter Pill
Reid bent down in front of the elf girl. “What was your name?”
“Orana…”
“Okay, Orana, I’m going to help you, so listen carefully. Once you make it out of this cave, can you get to Kirkwall on your own?”
“Y-yes…”
“All right. My name is Reid Hawke. Go to Hightown and find the Amell estate; my mother, Leandra, will let you in. Tell her you’ve come to work for me. Do you understand?”
“Go to Hightown in Kirkwall and find the Amell estate. Tell your mother that I’m going to work for you, Master Hawke. Right?”
Reid smiled encouragingly. “Exactly right. Be careful on your way back, okay?”
She nodded, a smile creeping over her face, and ran away down the hall towards the exit. It wasn’t the most hopeful smile he’d ever seen, but maybe she didn’t know what hope was.
Fenris waited until they heard a door close behind her, then muttered: “Didn’t know you were in the market for a slave.”
Reid rounded on him. “What the actual hell, Fenris? Do I seem like I keep slaves? Big bad mage, of course they all keep slaves? The fuck!”
“…My apologies,” Fenris said, looking at the floor.
Reid kept grumbling. “I’m going to pay her. You think she could just survive on her own right off the bat? Maybe you could, but not everyone’s as strong as you. And forgive me for not wanting to overburden her with salary details when she should be focusing on escaping.”
“Reid,” Fenris said. “I’m sorry. You did rightly. Thank you.”
Reid relaxed. “Don’t worry about it. We’re all on edge. Are you doing all right?”
“I’m fine.”
He could tell he wasn’t, but he let it go. He wouldn’t be fine until all this was over.
The fight against the mage woman was desperate and intense. After her slavers were killed, she summoned shades, the undead, anything to keep the adventurers from getting close to her. But Reid had been getting more powerful, and his lightning storms struck only their enemies, making it much easier for Fenris to cleave through them – not to mention the others’ efforts.
Fenris closed with Hadriana and struck a mighty blow against her shield, which shattered, sending her staggering backwards to fall to the floor. She reached for her staff briefly before Fenris stepped over it and raised his greatsword to strike.
“Stop!” she cried. “You do not want me dead.”
Fenris hissed. “There is only one person I want dead more.”
“I have information, elf, and I will trade it in return for my life.” Reid bristled protectively; even begging for her life, she was arrogant.
“The location of Danarius? What good will that do me?” Fenris demanded. “I’d rather he lose his pet pupil.” He tensed to swing.
“You have a sister!” cried Hadriana. “She is alive!”
Fenris stopped, and slowly lowered the greatsword, suspicion and disbelief warring on his face.
“You wish to reclaim your life? Let me go, and I will tell you where she is.”
“How do we know you’re telling the truth?” Reid demanded as Fenris stood stock still.
“You don’t,” she said, and there was a sly satisfaction on her face. “But I know Fenris, and I know what he’s searching for. If he wants me to betray Danarius, he’ll have to pay for it.”
“Bitch,” Reid spat at her. “What do you want to do, Fenris?”
Fenris stood still a moment long, then sheathed his greatsword and bent down next to her.
“I-I have your word, you will let me go, right?” she asked, with an uneasy smile.
“Yes,” Fenris said, too quickly for Reid to believe him. “You have my word.”
“Her name is Varania. She is in Qarinus serving a magister by the name of Ahriman.”
Fenris was only inches away from her face. “A servant. Not a slave.”
“She’s not a slave,” Hadriana said.
“I believe you,” Fenris said, and his tattoos flared blue. Hadriana gave a sickening gasp as he crushed her heart, and then he stood and turned away from the body. “We are done here.” He walked past Reid with the darkest glower Reid had ever seen on him.
“Do you want to talk about it?” Reid asked gently, waving at the others to go on. Blessedly, they left. Fenris wasn’t the most private about his pain, but there was no need to force an audience on him either.
“No, I don’t want to talk about it!” Fenris rounded on him, shouting, getting in his space, gesticulating wildly. “This could be a trap! Danarius could have sent Hadriana here to tell me about this ‘sister’! Even if he didn’t, trying to find her would still be suicide! Danarius has to know about her and has to know that Hadriana knows!” His face contorted with hate, and his voice sank into a guttural growl. “But all that matters is I finally got to crush this bitch’s heart. May she rot and all other mages with her.”
He swung away from Reid, which was just as well for him. His heart stung. Yes, he understood… and yet…
“Fenris,” he said, reaching out to his shoulder.
“No, I don’t want you comforting me.” Fenris shrugged off his hand aggressively and prowled forward a few paces, out of easy reach, before whirling on him again, directing every ounce of his fury right at him. “You saw what was done here. There’s always going to be some reason, some excuse why mages need to do this. Even if I found my sister, who knows what the magisters have done to her. What has magic touched that it doesn’t spoil!?”
Reid tried not to react, not to flinch or blink or even breathe funny. He couldn’t retaliate on this lashing out of a wounded soul; all Fenris needed right now was to let it out, and for Reid to take it… but he was afraid his eyes spoke for him. There is no excuse. These people are monsters, with or without magic. But I have never done anything like that, and you know it…
Fenris stared at him for a minute, maybe reading him, before putting a hand to his head. “I… need to go.” And without another word he sprinted down the corridor.
Reid let him go. He wanted to reach out, call him back, embrace him and tell him it was going to be all right, but absolutely none of that would be useful or effective. He knew Fenris would need time on his own. He would come back when he was ready.
Fenris stayed away from the rest for an entire week, and they left him alone. He couldn’t tell if he was grateful or not about that. He wanted the time alone, needed space to think about what happened and what it meant. He didn’t want the others.
But he missed them.
He missed Reid.
He’d hurt him so much, he’d seen it in his eyes and body even if he hadn’t said anything. He didn’t regret anything he’d done or said… mostly… it was all true – except the crack about slaves after Reid went to help Orana, that had been uncalled for, true – but he’d lost all control. He wanted all mages to rot in hell, but he didn’t want Reid to rot in hell. No. Reid was different. Had he been born in Tevinter, would he have been…? That thought didn’t bear thinking about, and was irrelevant anyway.
And Reid had just let him run away, hadn’t so much as called out after him, had probably been well happy to be rid of him.
He regretted everything he’d said, and he owed him an apology.
The thought of that made him stay away a few days more. Surely Reid would still be so offended he wouldn’t even want to see him, and that scared him more than just about anything else. Or maybe he would accept the apology, but he would keep him at arms’ length from then on. There would be no more idle chats about theology, about social issues, about how odd their friends were, about how Fenris really ought to take up a hobby that wasn’t drinking… no more flirting, no more quirky smirks just for him… and the next time Fenris had a problem, Reid might pass on helping…
But he couldn’t put it off forever. Painful as it must be, he had to do it, and so he went over to the Amell estate – the Hawke estate – and knocked.
Reid’s mother Leandra let him in. “Hello, Fenris, dear. Reid is out with Varric and Merrill today – said something about teaching her common sense for living in Lowtown – and I’m not sure when he’ll be back.”
“I’d like to wait for him, if that’s all right,” Fenris said awkwardly, and Leandra smiled knowingly at him and waved him in.
“Sit wherever you’d like,” she said, but Fenris chose to sit on a rather hard and uncomfortable wooden bench in the entryway.
He waited a long time. He caught a glimpse of Orana at one point, puttering around, seeming to be quite cheerful with her new situation. He wondered if Reid had told her he was paying her yet. Probably had, he wouldn’t put off something like that.
Reid didn’t get back until very late – past midnight, by the bell outside – and didn’t seem to see him at first, pulling off his outer robe the moment he got in the front door and slinging it over the coat-rack. Fenris stood and approached him… though he couldn’t look him in the eye. He managed to speak before Reid could. “I’ve been thinking about what happened with Hadriana.” He sensed Reid’s eyebrow twitching, but the other man said nothing, so Fenris could continue awkwardly apologizing. “I took out my anger on you, undeservedly so. I was… not myself. I’m sorry.” His heart was beating so hard… was it always this hard to apologize? It felt a weak excuse, even to him – ‘I was not myself‘ – but he… had just been so overcome with emotions that he didn’t know what to do with…
Reid gave him a wry smile. “It’s all right. People take their frustrations out on me all the time. But I was worried about you.”
“You are generous,” Fenris said, and turned away. He needed to explain. “When I was still a slave, Hadriana was a torment. She would ridicule me, deny my meals, hound my sleep. Because of her status, I was powerless to respond and she knew it. The thought of her slipping out of my grasp now… I couldn’t let her go. I wanted to, but I couldn’t.”
“I thought you absolutely planned to kill her anyway. I would have, after what she’s done.”
Fenris shook his head. “I wanted to let go of this… hhhate. I thought I’d gotten away from it, that with time it would diminish. But it dogs me no matter where I go. To feel it again, to know it was they who planted it inside me… it was too much to bear.” He was talking too much, and those feelings that he hadn’t really finished sorting through, even after a week, were welling up again in him. He needed to go, and quickly. At least Reid had… forgiven him, at least it seemed like he had. “But I didn’t come here to burden you further.” He began to turn away.
“Stay. Please.” Fingers brushed his arm-
Fenris’s tattoos flared, and he whirled, slamming Reid into the wall in sudden rage and panic. His only thought had been no one holds me down again, as if Reid had been about to seize him and lock him up like Hadriana.
Oh no. Oh fuck. Oh no. Reid would kick him out now, now that he’d lost control again in a perfectly calm situation, and never speak to him again-
Even as a panic of a totally different kind flooded through him, he sensed… Reid had gasped when he hit the wall, but it wasn’t a gasp of outrage – or even of pain. And being this close to him was sensory overload – he could hear Reid’s heart was pounding as much as his own in the near-silence of the night, see the gold in his brown eyes darken, count every freckle on his handsome face, feel Reid’s complete and utter lack of resistance.
He’s turned on by this, some part of Fenris’s mind realized.
Impossible, said the rest of him.
So am I, said all of him.
He pulled back, still frightened, uncomprehending… and Reid stared at him for exactly one second longer before lunging forward to press his thin lips against Fenris’s.
As Fenris froze in horrified, delighted shock, Reid’s hands came up to clasp Fenris’s shoulders, gentle but firm – a grip that Fenris could easily break if he wanted, but directing him to turn, pivoting them with a determined look on his face, so that now Fenris was against the wall… and then leaned against him and into him, kissing him wildly, all over his face, even trying to get to his jaw and neck. One hand was leaning against the wall, the other cupping Fenris’s face, oh, so gently. Fenris surrendered completely, nearly swooning, every last bit of the anger gone out of him. He hadn’t thought he ever would give in like that again, under any amount of pressure or duress… and yet a kiss from a handsome man who was wordlessly pouring out all this affection and attraction had broken him completely. The lightest brush against his neck made him moan pathetically, greedily.
After a moment, he remembered that he had hands too, and put them around Reid’s waist – then pulled him closer, sliding his hands up towards his broad shoulders and down towards his hips, returning the kisses with as much energy as he could, though with his lack of experience he had no chance of keeping up with him. He had no idea what was going on, only that this was exactly what he had wanted, what he hadn’t dared realistically hope for in all his fantasies. To feel Reid’s warm weight pressing into him – and more than that, he was starting to feel – to be kissed like this, to be able to kiss him – what was happening!?
There was a giddy feeling in his stomach, in his chest, a tingly feeling that was spreading lower. Reid was fairly grinding against him, his tongue in Fenris’s mouth, nearly out of control himself. “You’re so fucking hot,” Reid broke away to whisper, and then plunged back down on him before Fenris could gather his wits to answer.
This was going to lead to disaster. Like most of the other things in his life, sooner or later, eventually. And he couldn’t stop it, could only press against Reid harder, become more demanding with his own tongue, and Reid welcomed him, took everything he had to offer and gave it back doubled. He didn’t want to give this up, never, ever, suddenly seized with a jealousy that burned in him sure as magefire.
They parted, and both were panting like they’d just come through a more intense fight. “Fuck,” Fenris whispered.
“No, we haven’t gotten to that part yet,” Reid said, and Fenris, taken off guard yet again, had no choice but to chuckle deep in his throat. Reid laughed too, and that felt nice, to feel the rumble against him, feel his breath around him. “Did you want to, or shall we save that for another time?”
“Y-yes,” said Fenris, recklessly. “Though I’m going to warn you now that I have no… remembered… experience.”
“That’s fine,” Reid said. “I haven’t done it with a man before so we’ll figure it out together.” He paused and pulled back slightly, making sure Fenris could look into his eyes. “And if you want to stop at any point, if anything happens that you don’t like or makes you uncomfortable, tell me. I know I just jumped you, but I don’t want to… uh… hurt you. You tell me what you need, all right?”
“All right,” Fenris mumbled, not even sure what he was talking about – though he could guess.
Reid stepped back and reached down to take his hand. “I’d carry you upstairs princess style, but I’m afraid of tripping and breaking my neck.”
“What about my neck?” Fenris asked, clasping that hand willingly, suddenly desperate to get his gauntlets off.
“You? You’ll be fine. Reflexes like a cat.”
“Hmph.”
Reid’s room was unusually… red. Red rugs, red drapes, red upholstery… black bedclothes, but red bedcurtains. In the two years Reid had had the mansion, Fenris still hadn’t been in his bedroom yet, so this was rather a surprise. “It’s very… red.”
“Clashes something awful with my hair, but it’s my favourite colour,” Reid said cheerfully, and let go of Fenris’s hand to run forward and launch himself belly-first onto his bed. “I love this bed. I’ve never had a bed like this before in my life.” He patted it, testing its give, maybe inviting Fenris to also come jump on it. Which Fenris was not going to do, not before he’d gotten his armour off.
“Looks like mine over in my mansion, but less mildewed,” he said. “And with a gaudy canopy.”
“Isn’t mildew bad for you?” Reid said. “Turns your food bad, anyway.”
“I don’t eat in my bed,” Fenris said, and they looked at each other in confusion. Were they having different conversations?
Reid chuckled. “Well, you can sleep here whenever you want, from now on. Do you like red?”
“Yes…? It’s fine…”
“Not your favourite colour?” Reid was digging in a drawer for something. “Doesn’t matter, this isn’t just for you.”
Fenris didn’t have a favourite colour. He stared at the red strip of cloth Reid was holding out to him. “What is that?”
“A headband. I like to wear it when I’m doing… you know, physical exertions. Like, chopping firewood or whatever.” Reid ducked his head, avoiding Fenris’s gaze… though he kept holding out the cloth. “I… want you to have it. So you can think of me always.”
“I already do that,” Fenris said, but reached out and took it. “A gift, hmm? I… have none for you in return.”
Reid shrugged. “It’s not mandatory. The fact that you trust me enough to be in here with me is a gift enough.”
Fenris swallowed. How could he say such… sappy things, and sound like he meant them? He padded forward, reaching out to take Reid’s face in his hands, and kissed him – the first kiss he’d initiated himself. Reid reached out for his elbows, returning the kiss but letting Fenris go at his own pace, not the frenzied snogging they’d done downstairs.
When they parted, Reid looked up at him, and Fenris had never seen so many stars in his eyes. “Hey. Can I take your gauntlets off?”
“Yes,” Fenris said. He’d been about to do it himself, but as long as they were off, that didn’t matter. Reid reached first for his right hand, and then his left hand, putting the gauntlets on a chair, and kissing Fenris’s hands. Kissing his palms, and his wrists, heedless of the tattoos or Fenris’s racing pulse, travelling up towards his elbows.
“May I take off your chestplate?”
“Yes.”
And so it went, piece by piece, methodically, respectfully, and with many kisses, until they were both in their trousers. Reid was staring at him shamelessly, and Fenris was returning the favour. This man… this beautiful man was so undeservedly kind to him, generous in a way no one else had ever been. And he didn’t understand why. He was drawn to Reid, completely enraptured by his wit and cheer; he had wanted to hate him but that was impossible, it was impossible to hate Reid if you knew him, and though Fenris found it difficult to consciously believe, he knew Reid well.
So well that he was sharing a bed with him now. Reid put Fenris on top as they figured out how to make love, and he was… glad of it. That there was the option not to be dominated or pinned or even held down. Maybe that would also turn him on, but here and now… he didn’t want it.
“I want you so bad,” Reid whispered, sitting on his knees with Fenris straddling his lap, his hands on Fenris’s thighs, sliding up his hips towards his shoulders. Fenris gasped and attacked Reid’s throat, because he wanted Reid just as badly; he accidentally pushed them over so that Reid fell backwards into the bed, but that just made it easier to kiss him. He was targeting the freckles, trying to leave hickies – though Reid’s skin, pale as it was, seemed to resist marking. It was definitely the wrong situation to be wearing leather trousers in.
He didn’t have the words or the experience to describe what he felt for Reid, and so he rarely tried, only sticking with “he’s handsome” or “he’s amusing” or “I like him”. But now, in his arms, he… he wanted…
He’d never felt anything like this before, definitely not even on the long lonely nights when he sought self-pleasure; to feel Reid, living, breathing, patient, yielding and yet directing, beneath him as if that was exactly where he wanted to be, where he’d always wanted to be, looking at him as if Fenris were the most amazing person in the world, as if Fenris really were precious and wanted and important, just for himself, never mind the tattoos – or at least the tattoos became only channels for scorching finger touches, kisses, Reid tracing their lines with his tongue across his arms and chest and throat – and his scars, too, Fenris had so many scars, and Reid found and caressed them all. Reid had always treated him as a whole person, but this was on a whole other level. His gaze, his touch, his breathless moans were completely overwhelming, and finally, Fenris let himself go into the moment, forgetting all his worries in Reid’s eyes, in the hands embracing him, in the pleasure shooting through him.
When they were spent, Reid gathered Fenris into his arms, and quickly fell asleep. But Fenris couldn’t sleep.
Reid woke to feel the bed colder and lighter than it should have been, and looked around in panic before his gaze settled on Fenris… standing at the fire, fully dressed. It couldn’t have been more than an hour…
He raised himself on one elbow, fearful, covering his fear with wit like he usually did – though the wit wasn’t without fear of its own. “Was it… that bad?”
Fenris flinched and turned to look at him, stammering and not knowing what to do with his hands. “I’m sorry, it’s not…” He paused, then said in a soothing voice: “It was fine.”
Which meant it wasn’t fine. Something wasn’t fine.
Fenris dithered in distress. “No. I didn’t mean it like that. It was better than anything I could have dreamed.” His voice was so earnest. He wanted Reid to believe him and stop asking questions.
Reid’s voice was soft, anxious. “Was it too strange to be with another man?”
“It’s not that,” Fenris said, frustrated, and began to pace, his voice shaking. “I began to remember. My life before. Just flashes…” He stopped, breathing hard. “It’s too much. This is too fast. I cannot… do this.”
Reid swallowed and forced himself to be patient as he sat up properly. Fenris didn’t know anything about relationships, even if he was starting to remember things. Of course he would be scared. Especially since they’d gone from zero to a hundred in the space of twenty minutes, earlier that night. Reid had pushed too hard, had been too eager, too demanding. “I’m sorry. I asked too much of you, I’ve been selfish…”
“No! It’s not…” Fenris trailed off again. “I went along willingly; you gave me every chance to say no. I wanted it as much as you did, truly. And it… it really was amazing, Reid.” He looked down at his wrist, where he’d tied the red headband over his gauntlet. Proclaiming for all the world to see that he was Reid’s lover, if anyone but them knew its meaning.
If it was so amazing, why was there this tension, this regret between them? “What did you remember?” he asked instead.
Fenris put a hand to his head. “I’ve never remembered anything from before the ritual. But there were… faces. Words. For just a moment, I could recall all of it.” His voice turned anguished. “And then it slipped away.”
“We’ll figure it out, Fen,” Reid said. He held out his hand. He didn’t understand, maybe couldn’t understand; all he knew was that he wanted to help.
Fenris turned away, moaning in despair. “I’m sorry. I feel like such a fool. All I wanted was to be happy… just for a little while.” He began to walk towards the door, his whole posture slumped and defeated. “Forgive me.”
He really was leaving!? “Please…” Reid whispered, and Fenris paused for a moment… then continued to walk to the door, and through it, and closed it softly but firmly behind him.
Reid fell back on the bed behind him and sighed. For a moment, they had both been happy. He knew it. Fenris had smiled at him as if he hadn’t a care in the world, his dark brows lifting for the first time since he’d met him. It had been good. And now they were both sick at heart. But Fenris was going to be Fenris and retreat into himself for a while. He wondered when would be the next time he saw him.
In the meantime, he pulled the spare pillow towards him and hugged it, curled around it – Fenris had left his scent on it, and he huffed it while he huddled miserably in his bed. He probably wasn’t going out tomorrow. He was a rich asshole now, he could take a day to do nothing and mope.
Varric
“It’s not like you to mope like this, Hawke,” Varric told him, coming up to the bar. “Had a falling out with the elf, did you?”
Reid glanced over at him gloomily. He’d hoped that going to hang out with his best friend would help lift his mood, but his heart had proved undistractable. “A drink might help. Or several.”
“It’s on me, kid. Don’t like to see you brooding. Want to find a fight we can get into?”
“Carver would scold me for taking unnecessary risks,” Reid said. “Bethany too, but for other reasons. So… yes, absolutely. Drinks first, though?”
“Drinks first.”
Aveline
Aveline growled as she marched along. “I don’t know what you were thinking. I thought we were friends – or, well – I don’t know what we are, but I didn’t think you would do this.”
Reid tucked his hands behind his head and kept pace with her a lot more casually. “Look, I just fucked up my own relationship massively, what made you think asking me for help was a good idea?”
“You just… Well, you didn’t say so! You have… charisma, and I figured you would have more tact than… her!” ‘Her’ being Isabela, who rolled her eyes.
Reid’s grin was hard-edged. “Anyway, you were faffing about hopelessly. How hard is it to say ‘Donnic, you’re hot, wanna go out’?”
“That’s improper!” Aveline protested heatedly, flushing as red as her hair again. “That’s… harassment! If my captain had done that to me in Ferelden – assuming I was single then – I would have been extremely upset!”
“Well, subtle obviously wasn’t working. What, you want me to apologize to Donnic? Like you’re my mother or something?”
“Yes! And I will too. Now shut up and move!”
Back at the Keep, there was no sign of Donnic anywhere near the Captain’s office. Aveline paced back and forth, glancing at all the guards present on the other side of the hall, trying not to look nervous and failing utterly. “Maker, where is Donnic? I have to… head this off before it goes to the viscount. Maybe a formal apology. Something that shows the guards they can still trust me.”
Reid folded his arms and leaned against the wall. “Try the copper marigolds again. In hindsight, they weren’t the worst option.” Isabela laughed.
“It’s not funny!” Aveline hissed at them both.
Reid grinned, but with less of that edge. “I beg to differ.”
Her glare intensified – not that it was anywhere near up to Fenris’s level, despite her fury probably being equal, or he might have been interested in her himself. “You’ll beg for more than that if you keep this up!”
That was the moment that Donnic chose to walk in, having apparently taken the long way back to the Keep. “My apologies, Serah Hawke, but I need a moment with the captain.”
“Guardsman Donnic?” Aveline said, having apparently not expected him to return at all. Poor girl, with such low self-esteem.
“Please,” he said, and there was just a little bit of a smile.
“By all means,” Reid said. “We’ll be going.”
“Wait,” Aveline blurted out, trying not to panic. “Just wait there, Reid Hawke. I’m not done with you yet.”
“As you wish,” Reid said, and got comfortable with that piece of wall as the two guards went into the office and the door closed.
“Seems like he finally figured it out,” Isabela said in his ear, leaning on his shoulder. “Good for him.”
“Her last husband must have done all the courting,” Reid said. “She’s more hopeless than Fenris. At least when Fenris is interested…” Well, Fenris was hard to read, unless you were getting to know him as well as Reid had been, but when he wanted to say something, he came right out and fucking said it.
“Yes, what’s up with him?” Isabela asked. “You said you fucked it up, how on earth did you manage that when you were both swooning over each other?”
Reid grimaced. “I fucked him. And no, I didn’t hurt him – that I knew about at the time. I was trying to be careful. But he had a bad experience anyway, so now he’s run off. I think he’s lurking in his mansion, wallowing in depression. It’s a miracle I didn’t do the same for more than a day.”
Isabela was grinning like a madwoman. “Wait, you got him into a bed? How’d you manage that?”
“Very accidentally,” Reid said. “Turns out we both like being shoved into walls, and if you startle him, he will shove you into a wall. Quite delightful, if it wasn’t for the fact that it’s triggered by PTSD.”
“Mm, poor boy. So that’s why he suddenly stopped coming along with us.”
“And he missed all the fun with Aveline… I might check on him in another week. He needs his space but avoiding me forever is just mean.”
“If you need help, let me know. Watching my friends hook up is extremely entertaining.”
“When it’s not…” Reid jerked his head towards the office door.
“If she wasn’t someone I knew, it would be wholly hilarious,” Isabela said. “And, give me a moment…” She leaned her head towards the door herself. “I think they’re making out.”
“Oh, good,” Reid said. “What are we still doing here? We should be getting beer. We deserve it after putting up with that.”
“Oh, just wait a little longer,” Isabela said. “Maybe she’ll want to thank you. With marigolds.”
“Marigolds are going to be the worst in-joke of our group,” Reid said. “Well, I hope they don’t take too long. I want a drink.”
Just then, the door opened, and Donnic emerged, looking quite pleased. He nodded to Reid and Isabela as he left, and Reid poked his head into the door. “You still want to see me?”
Aveline’s face was soft and happy, and Reid had to admit it looked well on her. “Guardsman Donnic… did not file a complaint.” She laughed a little. “This was all incredibly stupid. And you made it wonderful.”
“I did fuck-all,” Reid said. “You made both of those things happen.” And really, Isabela had been the one to loudly say “why don’t you just fuck her, Donnic?” – in slightly less crude terms. Or maybe more crude terms. It was hard to tell with Isabela.
“Well… thank you for your help anyway,” Aveline said.
“You’re welcome,” Reid said. “Let’s not make a habit of it.”
Moping
Fenris wasn’t answering his door, no matter what time of day Reid went at. So either he’d abandoned his mansion and was staying somewhere else that made him think less often of Reid, or he was hiding harder than usual.
So Reid enlisted Isabela to help him break in, because he was a terrible person who missed his… boyfriend? Question mark? It had been three weeks, this was longer than normal, he needed contact. “Here, I can get up here if you give me a boost.”
“You can’t get up yourself?” Isabela asked with a smirk, making a stirrup hold for him.
“I’m a complete landlubber, Bela. The most I climbed was trees around Lothering, and I haven’t done that since I was sixteen.” And that was getting to be ten years prior. “I can’t just… climb anywhere.” He hauled himself up to the next roof-level and went looking to see if Fenris had left any windows open.
“Such a pity,” Isabela said, smoothly clambering up behind him. “You’d be so unstoppable if you could.”
“That’s what I have friends for.” He couldn’t even pick a lock with magic, so he was glad Isabela was willing to let him in. “Fenris! Fen- ow.” He tripped over the sill and twisted, sliding shoulders-first into Fenris’s bedroom. “Heyyyy?”
There was no answer, but the fire wasn’t completely dead. Fenris had been there that day.
Reid picked himself up, dusted himself off, and sighed. “Fenriiiiis! Don’t cut me off forever! I know you were hurt and you’re upset but couples do other things than have sex all the time!” Isabela snickered in the window. “I miss you! I want to talk to you!” He paused. “We’re not over until you give my headband back, so I know you still like me, you asshole!”
“I don’t think he’s here,” Isabela said. “Save your breath.”
“I wonder if I should leave him a note,” Reid said. “He was starting to learn to read but I’m not sure how it’s been coming along.”
“Just put the Amell crest on a scrap of paper, and some hearts,” Isabela said. “He’ll get the point.”
“And know that I broke into his house for no reason,” Reid said, starting to seriously regret his decision. What if Fenris felt invaded, assaulted, or even just reasonably offended? “This was a mistake. Argh.” He heaved a sigh, and for a minute, let himself be tired and worried and sad.
“Don’t make that face,” Isabela said. “He’s got it bad for you, trust me. As soon as he lets you talk to him again, you’ll work it out.” She wiggled her eyebrows. “Or work it in. Whichever.”
Reid snorted. “All right.” He turned once more and called half-heartedly into the house. “I miss you!”
When Reid had gone, Fenris climbed down from the door mantel outside his bedroom. He hadn’t expected Reid to be so… clingy. So… determined. It did things to his heart that he didn’t understand. He went over to the window – that Isabela had thoughtfully locked again – and bent to touch the scuff-mark Reid had made in the dust. That idiot.
It didn’t really bother him that Reid had broken into his space. Even though he couldn’t see him without painful associations right now, Reid was… unobtrusive. Not an invader, though he had burst in like a whirlwind, full of noise and action.
There was no note, covered in hearts or otherwise, and Fenris sighed a little. Maybe he was being stubborn. But while he was with Reid, there would be forever that unfulfilled sexual tension, that he would always be afraid to fulfill – that he didn’t deserve to fulfill – from the fear of remembering and forgetting again.
It was in his head. He just couldn’t reach it. And that was driving him mad far worse than not even knowing it was there. It had never happened to him before… so it must be that the release of orgasm had to be coupled with intense emotion in order to set his mind free, to get past the mental blocks that guarded him from the worst of the agony that had wiped his memory in the first place.
He didn’t want to hurt Reid. In a while more – a few months, maybe – Reid would be over it, maybe date Merrill or something – and then he would leave Fenris alone and it would be for the best. Better to pull away before Fenris really broke Reid’s heart. Never mind his own, for that was already in confused pieces.
He glanced down at his wrist, at the fabric he still had tied there. No, he was a damned fool, and he would continue to be a damned fool for the rest of his life, for this one man who had shown him true equality and kindness despite Fenris’s own initial distrust. Memories were seared into his skin as truly as the lyrium, of Reid’s mouth on his collarbone, Reid’s fingers on his shoulder-blades, Reid’s legs wrapped around his waist, his skin laid out before him as a zodiac of freckles and soft red hairs. It nearly burned when he thought of it.
He should have stayed. And yet Reid would have wanted sex again at some point, and he would have forgotten, over and over, and that he could not bear.
‘We’re not over until you give my headband back‘, hm? He was never giving it back. Not until Reid truly went mad with power… if he ever did. But surely Reid didn’t really mean that. Fenris couldn’t help being selfish and keeping the headband. But Reid was not bound to him. He hoped he’d made that clear.
Isabela
Fenris was lurking on his roof when he heard scrabbling from one side. It was too quiet and fluid to be Reid, so he pulled himself up into a battle-ready crouch, his hand going for his sword… when Isabela popped over the side of the roof. “Oh hey, you’re here. Good.”
“The hell do you want?” Fenris asked, aggressive from surprise.
“To chat,” Isabela said… with a wink. “About your disappearing act.”
“Why do you want to chat about that?”
“Reid’s been moping heinously since it happened. Did you two actually break up or are you just afraid of commitment?”
“Says the woman who would never commit to anyone.”
Isabela rolled her eyes. “Look, I’m a little concerned about my friend, that’s all. He’s no fun now, his heart isn’t in it. And I think he had a different idea of how that was going to go.”
Fenris tried not to let a lump swell in his throat. “So did I.”
Isabela frowned at him, and her voice was oddly gentle. “So? What happened?”
“It… I can’t talk about it.” He shot her a glare. “And if I’m not talking to him about it, I’m certainly not talking to you about it. I know he’s upset. I know you came around a few days ago together. I don’t… He’ll get over it.”
“I’m not so sure,” Isabela said. “He’s been crushing on you for years. He’s very loyal once you get right down to it. I mean, I think he’s much too nice; he’s too goody-goody, even if he’s got a tongue as sharp as my blades. I don’t think you’ll get rid of him that easy. You might try getting over yourself and talking to him like he wants. He just wants to know what’s going on, you know.”
“I know. But I can’t. He wouldn’t understand. He hasn’t… lost what I’ve lost.”
“Maybe not,” Isabela said. “I don’t know what you’ve lost. But he’s had to deal with loss too.”
“His sister, his home… I know a little.” It wasn’t an entire past, dangled in front of him and then snatched away again. “But he seems to deal with it perfectly well.” Enough to constantly flex his wit at anything he considered a worthy target, bright and dazzling. He could still smile easily.
“Sure, he deals with it… but you think he doesn’t think about it constantly? He might not talk about it, but I think he understands loss well enough. You have more in common than you think.”
“I can’t. I can’t burden him with this. This is mine and mine alone.”
Isabela rolled her eyes. “Well, suit yourself. It’s just a suggestion. But if you’re really done with him…” She winked again and moved closer with unmistakable intent.
“No,” he said, backing away.
“No?” she said, batting her… admittedly long, beautiful eyelashes at him. “I’m not emotionally invested like Reid is. I’m just interested in your body. Or his body, but yours is the one here right now, and damn is it fine.”
“Flattering, but no.”
“Just a kiss, then?” She grabbed his arm… deliberately careless?
Deliberate or not, he startled, shoving her against the wall. “Don’t.”
Her eyes widened with a thrilled grin. “He was right. That is fun.”
“Did he tell you everything?” he growled bitterly.
“Well, he told me that.” He had a tight grip on her shoulders so she couldn’t put her arms around him and entrap him, but she could still raise her hands to caress his waist. Her cleavage was right in front of him, and Reid was right, he was bisexual, he wanted to do things to her-
“I said stop,” Fenris snapped, letting go of her and jumping back about ten feet. “I don’t need this to be even more complicated.”
“Oh, all right,” Isabela said. “But if you ever want something with no strings attached, you know where to find me.” She turned around and began to walk to the edge of the roof, then paused for a moment. “And remember, mutual pining doesn’t solve anything. It just makes both of you unhappy fools.”
He didn’t answer, and in another moment she was gone.