Meeting Carver in the Deep Roads with Nathaniel was really unsatisfying.
References Elizabeth Cousland, my DAO Warden.
Yes, I did do Alone with just Reid and Fenris. Since it was on Easy mode, I could do it for the RP.
The Smile part was inspired by a joke one of my friends told me once.
Bullying
“Your master must have been a terrible man, to make you hate mages so,” Merrill said.
“He is a terrible man, and he’s not dead,” Fenris said shortly.
“We’re not all like him,” she said, coaxingly.
Fenris didn’t even look at her. “How often I hear that, and yet, how often I find it’s not true.
“The Keepers are different. They exist to preserve the old ways, and to protect our people.”
His glower deepened. “And none of them would ever fall prey to a demon. Or perform blood magic.”
“It’s impossible to talk to you,” Merrill said, and though she tried to laugh, there were tears in her voice.
“Fenris!” Reid snapped. “Stop bullying Merrill.”
Fenris stopped short, a little shocked. “But…”
“You’ve made your feelings clear, it’s been six fucking years, now let it go.”
Fenris glared. “Let it go? This isn’t buying new clothes, Reid. All mages are dangerous.”
Reid physically interposed himself between Merrill and Fenris. “Yes, we’re dangerous! And Merrill and I understand that, and only use our dangerousness to defend ourselves!”
“She doesn’t!” Fenris snapped back. “She uses blood magic when she thinks she can get away with it! And I know you did too before things happened! After what I went through, how can you say I’m the one doing the bullying?”
“Okay.” Reid took a breath. “I know what you’ve told me, and I remember. That doesn’t mean you’re not still capable of turning right around and being pointlessly cruel to someone who doesn’t deserve it.”
“Strong words,” Fenris muttered.
“Reid,” Merrill plucked up the courage to say, “it’s okay. I understand. He doesn’t have to like it. Or me.”
“Come on,” Reid said, and put an arm around her shoulders. “Let’s go get lunch.”
Fenris watched them go, confused and… and hurt, if he dared admit it to himself. Of course Reid would side with his fellow mage, but… Saying that he was the one bullying was going too far. Mages only had power over him as far as he would let them, and he was determined that the only mage who would ever have power over him was Reid.
There’s always an excuse…
Healer
The first hint Reid got that something was wrong was a soft grunt coming over from the front-line end of the battlefield, scarcely audible over the clashing of swords and axes. That in itself wasn’t unusual, but the whispered “Help…” certainly was-
“Fenris!” Reid yelled, as Fenris crumpled to his knees and his opponent drew back his sword for a killing blow. Without thinking, he slammed his staff to the ground and everyone around Fenris was thrown back and to the floor. But Fenris was down, on the ground, not moving.
He sprinted to Fenris before they all could recover, blind and deaf to everything except these wretches who threatened to take his friend from him. Standing over him, he unleashed lightning with a feral growl. The blood mage’s weaker thralls fell like scythed grain, but there was one big tough man, twitching a little under his possession, who charged straight through the lightning storm and raised his axe. Reid flicked the bladed end of his staff at the man’s face and cut him over the nose. It would have made an interesting scar, but Varric followed up with a trio of crossbow bolts to the face.
There were very few minions left, and Reid glared defiantly at all of them. But he’d been dealing with the blood mage – ah, Merrill had taken over for him, binding the mage in thorns and ice so that she couldn’t cast anymore. He growled again, spinning his staff, wiping out the last of the minions as Varric took out the pinned mage. Then he could finally, finally look down and see how bad it was.
Blood. There was so much blood. Reid swore as Merrill and Varric came to hover, all of them useless. “Dammit, Fenris! I have no skill in healing, don’t do this to me!”
Fenris lay on his back, breathing shallowly, his tunic slashed open over his belly. Reid knelt beside him, hands shaking, uncertain whether to apply pressure or if that would just squeeze out more blood. Varric slapped a health potion into his hand and Reid gratefully popped it and tipped the contents into Fenris’s mouth, watching him swallow automatically.
After another moment, those big green eyes fluttered open. “Well… at least I’m not dead.”
“Fucking hell!” Reid tossed the bottle away. “Do you know how scared I was?”
Fenris glared at him as he pushed himself to his elbows, looking down at the slash across his body and his blood-soaked tunic. “I’m not a fan of it happening either! If I wasn’t with you, I’d be dead now!”
“Yeah, would be tricky to recover from while you were on the run,” Varric said.
“Maybe one of us should learn a healing spell,” Merrill said to Reid.
“I’ve tried,” Reid said. “It’s no good. I can heal papercuts. You?”
“I… haven’t actually tried. I’ve spent all my time trying to learn ancient magics instead…”
“If you’re done fussing,” Fenris said, and pushed himself to his feet, reaching for his sword.
“I am not done fussing,” Reid said. His heart was still pounding in his chest. Was this how Fenris felt about him every time he took an arrow in the leg, or whatever? Even just as friends, he wanted to sweep the elf into his arms and hold him close, protect him. Fenris would hate it. Instead he tried to help Fenris pick up his sword, was too slow, got to his own feet. “But I don’t have anything else to say. I’m glad you survived. Bloody hell, I would have been upset.”
“Blood magic upset?” Fenris asked sardonically. “While we’re fighting blood mages?”
“Would you really care?” Reid said.
“No, I guess not.”
“I mean, probably. I’m not a very good blood mage, to be perfectly candid.”
They all looked at him in confusion; Fenris with the beginning of an incredulous chuckle. “The fuck’s that supposed to mean?”
“I have to remember it’s there,” Reid said, trying to sound reasonable, like this was a perfectly normal topic. “Lightning, entropy, those spells are instinctual. Blood magic I have to remember that I have blood, and where my knife is, and then I have to actively slit my wrists, and it’s just so much trouble. Ever since I discovered Force magic it’s just been ugh, not worth it.”
Fenris put his face in both palms and made a noise that was somewhere between a sigh and a groan.
“You just need to let them hit you more,” Varric said, as they moved to search the rest of the house. “Stop hanging in the back so much.”
“Why, though?” Reid said. “They might hit me too hard. No point in losing a hand. ‘Oh, ‘scuse me, would you just give me a sexy flesh wound so I can kill you better?’ Ha.”
“Injuries aren’t sexy, aren’t they?” Merrill asked worriedly. “I’ve heard scars are sexy. I haven’t seen a lot so I’m not sure.”
“I’m sure Carver has a good collection by now that he will be happy to show off,” Reid said. “If we ever fucking see him again.” He stopped and looked at Fenris. “Really, though, I’ll try to watch over you better.”
“You were fine,” Fenris said. “This is what we worked out – I keep the minions from getting to you lot, and you get rid of the mage as quick as you can. This is how it works. I’m not supposed to take a stupid hit like that.”
“Shit happens, is that what you’re saying?” Varric said. “From the look in Reid’s eye, I don’t think he’s going to accept that.”
“Fucking- You can’t keep everyone from getting hurt all of the time, Reid!”
“Bite me,” Reid retorted.
“But then you’ll get hurt…” Merrill said.
Fenris glared at him heatedly. “It’s not like I want to die but you can’t take responsibility for it, stupid mage!”
“Well, it can’t happen again, I need all my friends!”
Fenris threw up his hands and stormed off gracefully. “Then stop fighting everything in the fucking world!”
“They really like each other, don’t they?” Merrill whispered to Varric, who put a finger to his lips.
Alone
Reid wandered into Fenris’s house to find Aveline already there, sitting at Fenris’s dinner table, staring at him with tested annoyance. “Are you certain it’s her?” Fenris was demanding, standing, full of coiled energy.
“An elf matching the description you gave, on the ship you named,” Aveline said with forced patience. “And alone, as far as I could tell.”
Fenris slammed his hands on the table. “I need to know if it’s a trap!”
“I did as you asked, Fenris,” Aveline said, and stood. “Now it’s up to you.” She walked past Reid. “You talk to him, Reid. I’ve had my fill for today.”
Fenris swore loudly in Tevinter.
Reid was far more comfortable with a frustrated, raging Fenris than Aveline was, and leaned against the doorframe, folding his arms comfortably. “Maybe it’s just me, but I’d swear you’re upset.”
Fenris looked up and sighed. “It’s my sister.” He paused, then began to pace restlessly. “I didn’t tell you, but I followed up on Hadriana’s information. Everything she said was true. I had to keep it quiet, but I eventually contacted Varania and sent her coin enough to come meet me. And now she’s here.”
“She was in Qarinus after all?”
Fenris shook his head. “My sister left Magister Ahriman’s service, and I found her in Minrathous. That made things more difficult. But according to the men I paid, it’s just as Hadriana said: she’s not a slave. She’s a tailor, in fact.”
“That sounds nice,” Reid said. “Stable employment, tailor.”
“Getting a letter to her was difficult, and she didn’t believe me at first… but she’s finally come.” He glanced up at Reid sidelong. “Will you come with me, Reid? I… need you there when I meet her.”
“You’re… nervous to meet her?” Completely understandable…
“I’m worried Danarius knows,” Fenris said, and had another mini-explosion. “The more it seems he doesn’t know, the more certain I become he does!”
Reid came closer to him, reaching out a hand soothingly. It wasn’t paranoia if they really were out to get you. “You’re absolutely right to be suspicious. I’ll certainly come with you. For moral support, if nothing else.” He let his eyes harden. “To do some stabbing of my own, if necessary.”
Fenris relaxed suddenly. “If we go to the Hanged Man during the day, she’ll be there. For the next week, at least. It would mean a lot to me.”
Reid smiled at him. “I’ll support you. Let’s go.”
“Right now?” Fenris asked.
“No time like the present,” Reid said. “Do you need a minute?”
“No, no, it’s fine. You’re right. Let’s get it over with, for good or ill.”
“Fingers crossed it’s for good!” Reid said as Fenris slung his greatsword on his back. “It will work out, Fenris. One way or another.”
“That’s what I’m afraid of,” Fenris said.
The Hanged Man was a bit light on clientele at this time of day – Varric wasn’t even around – and Corff pointed them towards one of the suites in the back. Reid thanked him and followed Fenris up the stairs and around the corridor. Fenris was nervous, he could tell – though he padded along fluidly as he always did, he was extra jumpy, glancing around sharply at every single noise. Reid came up close beside him, not touching him, but being supportive with his presence, and Fenris glanced at him with an unreadable expression tinged with worry and gratitude.
Fenris came to the door of the largest suite that wasn’t Varric’s, and pushed it open. Inside was an elf woman in neat clothes, with bright red hair and dark lipstick, sitting at a table with her hands folded before her. She glanced up as they came in, and did not seem surprised in the slightest. “It really is you.”
“Varania?” Fenris said, and then words fell haltingly from his tongue. “I… I remember you. We played in our master’s courtyard while Mother worked. You called me…”
She stood, but did not look at him. “Leto. That’s your name.”
“Nice name,” Reid said.
Fenris was getting more tense by the second, staring at her suspiciously. “What’s wrong? Why are you so…?”
Reid heard doors in the corridor all opening at once, and glanced back to see armed men coming out to surround them. “I’ll give you three guesses,” he said to Fenris, deadly annoyance tinging his tone.
Fenris had fully tensed with a silent snarl, as ahead of them a man had stepped from around a corner in the suite, with grey hair and a beard and an elaborate robe. “Ah, my little Fenris. Predictable as always.”
“Danarius, I presume,” Reid said in a low voice, and Fenris nodded.
The elf woman finally turned to look at them unhappily. “I’m sorry it came to this, Leto.”
“You led him here,” Fenris growled at his sister. She looked even more miserable, but didn’t deny it.
“Now, now, Fenris,” Danarius said, coming up beside her. Reid glanced around warily. There were a lot of slavers, a good dozen both in the hallway and behind Danarius. This was going to come to a fight, and he was going to have to open with… Mind Blast, buy himself some space, then Entropic Cloud, and then if he didn’t have to dodge into a corner, he’d have time to cast Lightning Storm as well… but what would Danarius be doing?
“Don’t blame your sister,” Danarius was going on as Reid planned his strategy. “She did what any good Imperial citizen should.”
Fenris went for his greatsword. “I never wanted these filthy markings, Danarius! But I won’t let you kill me to get them.”
Danarius laughed. “Oh, how little you know, my pet. It’s not like that at all. And is this your new master, then? The Champion of Kirkwall? Impressive.”
“Fenris is his own master, so you can fuck right off to hell,” Reid hissed. “I’m just a friend.”
“Do I detect a note of jealousy?” Danarius asked with amusement. “It’s not surprising. The lad is rather skilled, isn’t he?”
“You shut your whore mouth,” Reid spat back, at the same time as Fenris growled: “Shut your mouth, Danarius!” Reid was so angry that all the carefully constructed barbs he’d planned to shoot at Danarius went right out of his head.
Danarius sighed and rolled his eyes at Fenris. “The word is ‘Master’.”
“Like hell!” Fenris screamed, and attacked.
Danarius instantly threw up a shield; Reid immediately cast Mind Blast. The woman ran to the corner and cowered there. Fenris was fighting for his life against five slavers at once, his greatsword making giant cleaving arcs in blindingly impossibly fast flashes, his entire body igniting with blue fire.
Reid had gotten to a corner of his own, ensuring he couldn’t be flanked, casting lightning bolts and Stonefist at anyone who managed to get close. Already there were several fewer slavers than there had been. Danarius dropped his shield for the briefest moment to cast at Fenris, some sort of force spell that sent him flying across the room to tumble over a table and crash to the floor beside Reid. “Fenris!”
“I’m fine,” Fenris said, though his voice was distorted with rage, jumping to his feet with no particular sign of pain.
Reid came to his side. No one touched the man he loved like that, threw him around like a rag doll. “Come on, Fen. Back to back. We protect each other.”
“Got it,” Fenris said.
And Reid manoeuvred them so that he was the one facing Danarius. He’d let Fenris have the last blow, but facing him head-on with that shield up was not the best tactical decision. Danarius observed him with curiosity. “You’re rather talented yourself, aren’t you?” he said. “You would have done well in the Empire. I should take you for an apprentice, but I think your spirit would be too strong for that.”
“My parents didn’t raise any demon-fucking monster,” Reid retorted, swinging his staff to block one of Danarius’s spells.
“So maybe you’d do well as another of my slaves,” Danarius mused. “Yes, with your ‘friendship’ with Fenris, you’d keep each other in line…”
“Damn you!” Fenris screamed, spinning them back around to attack Danarius again. Reid hastily pivoted to protect Fenris’s back, but he didn’t like this situation.
“Fenris,” he called. “Fenris! I can’t handle these guys! Let me beat him down!”
It took a few seconds for the call to penetrate Fenris’s blood rage, but when he did, he turned again, just in time to catch a sword that would have come uncomfortably close to Reid’s head. And Reid found himself facing Danarius again.
“Besides, I haven’t finished roasting this old man yet,” Reid said. “When Fenris rips your heart out of your chest and rubs it in your face, you should know that you deserve every bit of it and more.”
“You’re a mage yourself, you ought to understand,” Danarius said. “Oh, wait. You were probably raised in one of those stupid Circles, penned in like sheep by your Templars. Like a slave yourself.”
“Nope, the Circles never caught me,” Reid said. “I’m no sheep. I’m a fucking dragon, and I protect everyone I can from people like you.” He followed up a Hex of Torment with another Stonefist, and Danarius was the one who was sent flying across the room.
Fenris was aware, and quick as thought, launched himself at Danarius, lyrium flashing brilliantly in the darkness of the room, and plunged his arm into Danarius’s chest. Danarius’s eyes went wide as Fenris hauled him up, up, off the floor with his great strength. “You are no longer my master.”
There was a horrible squelching noise, blood sprayed all over Fenris, and Danarius slid off Fenris’s arm to the floor, where he groaned and his eyes rolled back in his head.
The last two slavers ran for it; Reid toasted them both with a lightning bolt to the back, then turned to look at Fenris and his sister. Fenris closed in on her, probably terrifying, with a deadly glower on his face and blood spattered over his entire body.
She shook her head pleadingly. “I had no choice, Leto.”
“Stop calling me that,” Fenris snarled.
Her face trembled. “He was going to make me his apprentice. I would have been a magister.”
“You sold out your own brother to become a magister?” Fenris demanded.
“Wait, you just said you had no choice,” Reid said.
“The price to become a magister-“
“I got that part,” Reid said, stepping closer himself. “You had a choice. You just decided what was more important to you, and it wasn’t him. How the hell do you think that makes him feel?”
“You have no idea what we went through,” Varania burst out. “What I’ve had to do since Mother died.”
“If he wasn’t just lying to you to get his creepy hands on Fenris,” Reid cut in sharply, trying to forestall Fenris’s flaring tattoos and curling fists. “You have no idea what Fenris has been through, either. This isn’t a competition.”
“This was my only chance,” she wailed. “And you ruined it.”
“And now you have no chance at all,” Fenris growled, and raised his glowing hand.
“Wait!” Reid cried, reaching out, though he didn’t touch Fenris. “Don’t. Don’t kill her.”
Fenris rounded on him with fire. “Why not!? She was ready to see me killed! For her own selfish gain! What is she to me other than just one more tool of the magisters?”
“I know,” Reid said softly. “But she’s still your family. Even if you don’t know each other.” He bowed his head. “You could know each other. But not if she’s dead.” Death was permanent. It just didn’t seem worth it. Despite everything.
“I’d rather she were dead than that she betray me again,” Fenris said.
“Really?” Reid asked.
“Yes!” Fenris shouted. Reid waited. “N- I don’t know!” He seethed, breath coming hard and fast, for a minute. Then he whirled around to lean threateningly into his sister’s face. “Get out.”
She darted past him, but in the corridor, stopped and turned. “You said you didn’t ask for this, but that’s not true.” Fenris didn’t turn to look at her. “You wanted it. You competed for it. When you won, you used the boon to have Mother and me freed.”
Finally Fenris turned. “Why are you telling me this?”
“Freedom was no boon,” she said, and bitterness swept into her voice. “I look on you now and I think you received the better end of the bargain.”
Reid glared at her, taking a step forward, and she fled.
Fenris stood, arms limp, head bowed. “I thought discovering my past would bring a sense of belonging, but I was wrong. Magic has tainted that, too. There is nothing for me to reclaim.”
They didn’t know the whole story. Reid would have been hungry to learn more, in his place, just from that small revelation. But Fenris wasn’t Reid.
“I am alone,” Fenris said, staring at the wall, and Reid’s heart caught and bled.
“I’m here, Fenris,” he said softly, taking a step closer, within arm’s length.
Fenris glanced at him, achingly beautiful in his sadness, almost leaning towards him with a look of yearning… and turned to put more distance between them. “You heard what Varania said. I wanted these. I fought for them. I feel unclean, like this magic is not only etched into my skin, but has also stained my soul.” He was so poetic when he was depressed… “Let’s go. I need to get out of here.”
He turned and walked straight out. Reid went to Corff first. “Ah, there’s a huge mess upstairs. Sorry. Those guests were slavers. And a Tevinter mage, so there’s some burn damage?” Nice to have a scapegoat for all his own spells. Most of the nobles knew from being witness to his duel, but the common folk still didn’t know for certain. Even if it was a popular rumour. He much preferred the rumour where skinny Reid Hawke had clean punched the Arishok’s head off.
“Not again,” Corff said wearily. “All right, thanks for letting me know. I’ll get it taken care of.”
“You get many Tevinter magisters?” Reid asked in amusement.
“No, no, that’s not what I meant-“
“I know. Take care, all right? Here’s something to help.” Reid tossed him some extra sovereigns, and Corff grinned at him.
“You might leave a mess every other time you’re in, but you sure know how to make up for it,” he said. “Have a good day, now.”
Carver
There was more fighting up ahead; Reid spun his staff and sent out an entropic cloud swirling among the darkspawn, then took a closer look at the warrior surrounded and outnumbered in their centre. “Carver!?”
“Fuck off!” he heard Carver call back.
“I mean, I can! Leave you in this pickle! You daft twat!” Reid struck a darkspawn behind Carver with a lightning bolt. Fenris was already slamming through the flanks of the enemy, joining up with his brother, and between Reid, Merrill, Varric, and Nathaniel, the darkspawn fell nearly before their could raise their swords again. Which was just as well. He would not have liked Carver’s odds on his own.
Carver, still breathing heavily, made his way over, saluted Nathaniel, and glared at Reid. “What are you doing here?”
“I was asked to find Nathaniel,” Reid said. “You’re not with Stroud anymore?”
Carver ignored his comment, still giving him a venomous look. “Just like always, no cause is too small for you to stick your nose in. I have this under control!”
“I don’t know you were the fuck here,” Reid shot back. “Give me a fucking break.”
Nathaniel raised his hands for peace. “You know each other?”
Carver relaxed just the tiniest bit. “He’s my brother.”
“Oh…” Nathaniel looked back and forth between them. “Yes, I see. Forgive me.”
“It’s the hair colour,” Reid said. “I got Mother’s hair. The twins got Father’s.”
“About the only thing I got from Father,” Carver muttered.
Reid folded his arms. “You know, the average person saves a life, they might expect some gratitude.”
“I’ve seen too much of the world to be impressed by you,” Carver said.
“Well, that’s kind of sad,” Reid said.
“What is?” Carver asked, curious in spite of himself.
“That your world has stayed so small.”
“Fuck off.”
“You too.” Reid huffed. “Look, Carver…”
“Darkspawn approach,” Nathaniel snapped. “We don’t have time to bicker now.”
“Right,” Reid said. Nathaniel was senior Warden, wasn’t he? “Where do you want us?”
They faced a small tide of darkspawn, seemingly endless, with a few ogres thrown in just to be a pain. Reid nearly ran out of mana, nearly had to go for his back-up lyrium, which he hadn’t needed since he’d fought the Arishok… But just when he was thinking he needed to fall back, the tide ended, and Varric and Nathaniel seemed to be having a good time keeping score. Which was probably more even than Varric and Reid keeping score; Varric couldn’t summon thunderclouds.
When the last one had fallen, Nathaniel smiled for the first time since Reid had met him an hour ago. “For the first time since I’ve been down here, I don’t sense a single darkspawn. We’ve won.” He turned to Reid. “Because of you, I will see my sister and nephew again. Please, take this with my blessing.” He handed Reid a very fine knife.
“Thank you,” Reid said. “It’s been a pleasure. Stay safe.”
Nathaniel hesitated. “Did you want to… talk to your brother?”
“It’s fine,” Carver said, a bit too loudly. “We should go, Nathaniel.”
“Carver!” Reid let his anger spill out, just a bit. “I haven’t seen you since Kirkwall almost burned to the ground, for like two seconds, and this is all I get from you?”
“And you made out rather well from that, didn’t you?” Carver snapped back. In the background, Varric was waving the others away. “Oh yes, even the Grey Wardens have heard the tales of the Champion of Kirkwall. Slew the Arishok in single combat, huh? Big fat hero, huh?”
Reid’s temper erupted in a low hiss. “You think I wanted to be Champion? Fuck, it’s shit! All I did was smack him in the head with a lightning bolt and suddenly the city thinks I’m the most interesting person in it. Now I’m outed as a mage, due to the, I don’t know, lightning bolt in the head thing, and Meredith completely has it out for me; ironically, only being Champion has saved me from getting locked up in maximum security. You want to be Champion? I’ll trade! Gladly! You can have the stupid fancy house and everything!”
“Fuck no!” Carver shot back, meeting his intensity blow for blow. “If you fucked up, that’s your affair! I want nothing more to do with you or your shit – I almost died in your shadow, and I’ve spent every waking moment trying to get out of it since I was old enough to see it!”
That stung, deeply. Carver had insisted on coming on that expedition, against their mother’s wishes, even. “All I wanted,” he said, trying to hold on to his thoughts, “was to make life better for my family. And that plan’s gone completely to shit. I couldn’t protect Bethany. I couldn’t protect Mother. Fuck, I couldn’t protect you. The only person left to connect with is fucking Gamlen – and he’s not as bad as he used to be, but he’s not…”
“Yeah, why should I stick around with the person who can’t protect anyone?” Carver demanded. “It’s not all about you. It never has been! I finally have a life of my own – and still, you still keep fucking with it!”
They glared at each other in silence for a few seconds, tension snapping between them.
Reid crumbled first, which surprised Carver; in the past, Reid had always stayed arrogant right to the end of the argument; had always maintained his superiority, his rightness – even when he wasn’t. The prerogative of the older sibling.
But now… “Carver. I’m tired. It was never about me. It was always all of you. I miss you. There are so few people left in my life. I don’t want to fuck with your life. I don’t want to fight with you. Can we not be like Mother and Gamlen, and never talk for twenty years?”
“Which one of us is which?” Carver said, already softening.
“Well, obviously I’m Gamlen, I’m stuck in Kirkwall while you’re out doing your own thing.”
“Or maybe you’re Mother, since I’m still fucking single,” Carver joked. “Grey Wardens are considered sexy but it’s really hard to have a stable relationship when I’m running across half of Thedas.”
“Well, and you grew up not half-bad looking, little brother,” Reid said, ignoring the part where technically he was pretty single. “I’m surprised there isn’t someone. You’ve at least gotten laid?”
Carver flushed. “Shut up! Of course I’ve been laid! Loads of times!”
Reid smirked. “There’s nothing more unbelievable than ‘loads’.”
“Shut up.”
“But seriously, Carver…” He sighed. “I wish…”
“Don’t start,” Carver warned him. “I wish things too. But dwelling on it won’t change the past.”
“Peace?” He held out his hand.
“If you have to,” Carver grumbled, but took it with a firm shake.
“Anything else you want to get off your chest, while we’re here?” Reid asked.
“You’re trying to connect with fucking Gamlen? Really?”
“He’s not as bad as he used to be, honest. I think he’s even lonelier than we are.”
Carver was silent for a minute. “You have lots of friends, though. I have my own friends now, thanks, but you’ve got Varric and Isabela-“
“Isabela betrayed me, the bitch.” Reid growled. “Turns out she could have gotten the Qunari out of Kirkwall… well, before things came to a head. But she didn’t. And when I asked her to, she ignored me and ran off. Haven’t seen her since.”
“Ouch.”
“I’m so pissed at her. She’s smart to not come back.”
“What will you do?”
“I don’t know.” Reid rubbed between his eyes. “I’m already neck deep in mage-Templar politics, and I can’t get out, because that’s all the city’s talked about since Dumar’s death. Meredith really is absolutely nuts – not stupid, but a zealot who won’t even listen to a whisper of compromise. I’m pretty sure she has extra people spying on me to see if I do anything particularly monstrous. So Isabela’s really a minor concern right now. But people died because of her, and I won’t forget.”
“And you have your elf. He’s still got your headband.”
“Not ‘my’ elf,” Reid said. “Partly because I really don’t want to remind him of the slavery thing, and also we’re… not together right now, headband notwithstanding.” Fenris had disappeared for an entire month after Danarius’s death, returning only a day before Delilah Howe had approached Reid for help. But he’d willingly agreed to help; had seemed… grateful, that Reid wasn’t brushing him off, or something? Why wouldn’t he ask him? He’d always asked him before.
“Really? The way you look at him…”
He’d noticed in the thirty seconds the whole group hadn’t been fighting? “Yeah, we haven’t talked about it. It’s fine.” Carver frowned skeptically, but Reid moved on. “It’s not easy right now; he doesn’t think Meredith’s all wrong, even if he has a knee-jerk protective reaction when it comes to me personally, thankfully. But he’s with me. Yes. He’s one of the few I really trust.” Merrill was too naive. Anders was up to something. Sebastian was an asshole. Varric… Varric he could probably trust. And Aveline, even if she didn’t like him, he could trust her.
“I hope that doesn’t come back to bite you.”
“And you? Tell me about your friends.”
“Well, getting to know Nathaniel has been really interesting. I’m not always with him, I’m still mostly with Stroud, but he’s come out on some special missions and they assigned me to go with him. You know he served with the Hero of Ferelden in Amaranthine?”
“Makes sense – Rendon was Arl of Amaranthine.”
“Yeah, but Rendon killed Bryce Cousland, so you wouldn’t just expect Elizabeth Cousland to welcome him with open arms. And then she killed Rendon, so he wasn’t too thrilled about her either. But Nathaniel says they eventually got over it, and they’re good friends now.”
“And the girl? Girls?”
Carver flushed again. “Her name is Marie, and we… Well, I haven’t seen her in six months. She’s probably moved on. She’s in a little village in the north of Orlais. She’s blonde and has the biggest brown eyes, and she was completely head-over-heels for me.” Carver smiled a little. “After all the girls in Lothering – and Merrill – having eyes for no one but you, it was… a new experience.”
“Good,” Reid said, softly. “Carver… Are you happy, as a Warden?”
Carver shrugged. “I’m alive for longer than I would be otherwise, which I’m glad of; I wasn’t ready to die on our Deep Roads expedition. And being a Grey Warden is important. We do good work. It may not be glamorous when there’s no Blight around, and it’s dangerous as hell, but I can be proud of it. And it’s got nothing to do with you, so you finally can’t show me up at anything.” Reid waited. “I don’t know that I’m… happy. Not right now. There’s too much shit in the world. But I’m happier than the alternative.”
“That’s… enough,” Reid said. He didn’t like the sound of ‘for longer than I would be otherwise’ but Carver’s voice told him not to ask. “Now stop being a dick and write to me more than once a year. I could use the support.” He had been making sure to write every few months since their mother had died, but Carver had not returned the favour.
“You’re a selfish, greedy-“
“Or the not-support, if you’re going to be that way. I want to hear from you, Carver. We may not get along, but you’re important to me.”
That crumbled Carver’s defences instantly. “Wow, Kirkwall must really be in deep shit if it changed your tone that much. Fine. Asshole.”
“Thanks, dickhead.”
“Can we finally get out of here?”
“Lead the way, swordie.”
“Fuck you, handwaver.”
Love
The squad – Reid, Fenris, Varric, and Aveline – had gone back to Fenris’s place after doing errands in Hightown. With Isabela gone, Aveline suddenly had a lot more ‘free time’ to go about with Reid, and he… was starting to appreciate her a lot more. And she him, it seemed. Probably because being the Champion left him less time and ability to be a little shit around town.
Fenris got drinks for everyone, and they sat around in the bedroom, talking about the day’s activities and the week’s battles. At length talk turned to their surroundings. “You don’t need to stay in this pit anymore,” Varric said, gesturing to the mansion – of which the current room was the only one with a completely still-functioning roof. “Not that you haven’t, er, fixed it up nicely.”
Reid considered from his sideways slouch in his chair – Fenris had made the room comfortable for himself, but what Fenris considered ‘comfortable’ he would have considered ‘spartan even by Lothering peasant standards’. “I mean, we dumped the bodies when he first moved in, what more do you want from him?” Fenris inclined his head towards him in stoic agreement.
Aveline was less tactful. “It’s falling apart, and my ability to keep the seneschal from noticing is nearing an end.”
“I appreciate what you’ve done, Aveline,” Fenris said to her.
“But you’re staying,” Varric said. “You could go anywhere now!”
“Perhaps I don’t wish to go anywhere,” Fenris said.
“Freedom must be a terrible burden, I guess,” Varric said facetiously. “Though congratulations again, wish I’d been there.”
“You should have told me you were going straight down,” Aveline said. “I would have been happy to help destroy such a monster.”
“It’s fine,” Fenris said. “I wasn’t sure I was going down immediately.”
“That’s what she… At least you had Reid with you,” Varric said. “Keeps his head on his shoulders.”
“Usually,” Reid said. “Was pretty close, though – I was pissed too, and the magister had more men with him than I anticipated.”
“We made it in the end, and I am grateful for your company,” Fenris said to him, and he nodded over his beer.
The conversation turned after that, and first Aveline and then Varric headed out. Reid’s walk home would be a lot shorter, so he had time – and still the inclination – to stay a little bit after.
Fenris sighed when they were gone. “They don’t understand.”
“About what?” Reid asked, though he could list a lot of things he felt like no one understood about Fenris.
“Yes, I am free,” Fenris said. “Danarius is dead. Yet… it doesn’t feel like it should.”
“You’re not overjoyed to dance on his grave?” Reid asked.
“I would have thought so,” Fenris said, frowning into his drink. “I thought if I didn’t need to run and fight to stay alive, I would finally be able to live as a free man does. But how is that? My sister is… gone, and I have nothing – not even an enemy.”
“Maybe that just means there’s nothing holding you back.”
“Hmm. An interesting thought.”
“You can do whatever you want to. So what do you want to do?” Reid offered a wry smile. “Surely not tag around after me all day every day. See, this is why you get a hobby that’s not drinking.”
“Everything has felt frivolous up to this point,” Fenris said. “And now it feels pointless.”
“Well, give it another go before you die of boredom in this big empty house. I guess you’re no longer interested in talking to your sister?”
Fenris snorted and shrugged. “If Danarius wasn’t lying to her just to draw me in, she has enough magic to potentially become a magister. Living in Tevinter, without the sort of guidance that made you so sane, she will become as selfish and cruel as the rest of them. You should have let me kill her.”
Reid slowly sat up properly, put his drink down. This was getting heavy. “But if she doesn’t have that much magic, there’s still a chance you could meet one day – when she’s older, wiser, less jealous…” Less brainwashed? She had not had the chance to mentally break free and experience new worldviews, like Fenris had.
“I doubt it.”
“Well. Family is chosen as much as it’s grown,” Reid said. Maybe he was just a hopeless romantic. But deep down, Fenris was a romantic too, he knew it. Or maybe Reid just didn’t want to cut off the easiest route to learning more about Fenris’s past, even if Fenris didn’t currently want it. Was he interfering too much?
“It’s just difficult to overlook what magic has done to my life,” Fenris said, leaning forward with his elbows on his knees. Reid couldn’t help but admire him still – slender, yet masculine, his angular face, angular body.
“You’re still blaming magic for everything bad in the world?” Reid said, half-joking.
Fenris gave him a wry eyebrow. “Think about it, Reid. Look at the life you’ve had to lead.” He grew respectfully serious. “Look at what happened to your mother. Is there anyone whose life has been touched by magic who actually benefits?”
“It’s not that simple,” Reid said. “Not to me, anyway.”
“For every mage such as you, Reid, there are a dozen more too weak to handle their power,” Fenris went on before he could construct his counter-argument, his gaze boring into him intensely. “Them I fear, as should you. As should anyone. But… I did not mean to argue with you, not this time. I just wish I knew how to move forward. Where my future leads.”
There was a pause. “Wherever it leads,” Reid began, and almost stopped… then continued almost in a whisper. “I hope it means we’ll stay together.”
His gaze was locked with Fenris’s, and his heart was pounding, and he hardly dared breathe. The answering intensity of Fenris’s eyes sent pleasant shivers down his spine. He’d dared to speak on that forbidden subject; how would he take it?
Fenris didn’t have to stay in Kirkwall. He could go anywhere in the world, make new friends, experience new places. But… Reid would be lonely without him.
“That is my hope as well,” Fenris said evenly, as if Reid had been speaking as a friend, and he was both relieved and disappointed. But Fenris drew up his knees in front of him, curled into a ball on the bench he sat on. “We have never discussed what happened between us three years ago.”
“You didn’t want to talk about it,” Reid said. Oh, it was time, and his heart thudded in his chest.
“I felt like a fool,” Fenris said. “I thought it better if you hated me – I deserved no less. And for a while, I thought you did.”
“No, no-“
“No, not hated me. Not after you started seeking me out again. But that I had killed your stronger feelings for me.”
“I’m sorry,” Reid said. “I shouldn’t have pushed you away.” Though Fenris had pushed him away all the time… but Fenris needed his autonomy; needed support when he was willing to admit it.
“I thought it better at the time,” Fenris said. “And I would have been fine with worse.”
And then his voice got even lower and huskier, and he stood. “But it isn’t better. I’m not fine. That night… I remember your touch as if it were yesterday.” He paced over to stand right in front of Reid, who stared up at him, swallowing.
“Fenris…”
Fenris’s face was plaintive, regretful. “I should have asked your forgiveness long ago. I hope you can forgive me now.”
Well, one thing you could count on with Fenris was that he always said what he meant without hesitation. “Why did you leave, Fenris? Help me understand.”
Fenris swallowed and looked away. “I’ve thought about the answer a thousand times. The memories were… painful, and it… overwhelmed me. It was too much. It overtook all that we had together at the time, everything you had worked to build between us. I was a coward.” He looked at Reid again. “If I could go back, I would stay. Tell you how I felt.”
“What would you have said?” Reid whispered.
Fenris leaned right in to his face, his eyes locked on Reid’s, soft and sincere. “Nothing could be worse than the thought of living without you.”
Reid swallowed again, and he knew his eyes were wide and darkening with desire. “Damn, Fen,” he said breathlessly. “I know Varric has made fun of you for nearly being as unromantic as Aveline but that was fucking smooth as Antivan silk.”
“It’s true…” Fenris hesitated, waiting.
“Yes, I forgive you, take me now,” and Reid pushed up and forwards, into Fenris’s arms, towards his waiting lips. Fenris pulled him close, one hand behind his head, and they clung to each other as they kissed. Fenris’s lips were chapped. Reid didn’t care.
They parted long enough for Fenris to lean his forehead on Reid’s, red and white hair mingling, and say: “If there is a future to be had, I will walk into it gladly at your side.”
“Fenris,” Reid breathed.
“Yes?”
“I love you.” Fenris said nothing, only made a slight inhalation that might have been his understated version of a gasp. “I’ve wanted to say it for so long. I love you.”
“I love you,” Fenris whispered in a shaking voice. “I love you too, Reid.”
Then he was yanking off his gauntlets, and sinking his bare fingers eagerly into Reid’s hair – until Reid deftly undid Fenris’s chestplate straps, and Fenris tugged at Reid’s robe. They weren’t stripping, yet, but anything thick or unyielding was suddenly unbearable between them. And when those things were off, Fenris backed Reid into the wall, delightfully assertive, kissing him with increasing fervour. Reid wrapped his arms around him, reaching up to his shoulders, pulling their hips together for some full-body contact.
Fenris was completely in control, leaving Reid’s mouth and travelling elsewhere along his face and neck, his slender strong fingers brushing against Reid’s cheekbones, combing through Reid’s hair. Reid sighed in contentment, that this man he’d waited for had finally come around… Fenris dragged him to the floor, then, in front of the fireplace, and pulled Reid on top.
“Fen… are you sure?”
“Yes, I’m sure.”
So Reid bent his head to kiss that tattooed throat, felt his racing pulse through his skin. Maker, to see him there, the most vulnerable Reid had ever seen him – and they were both still fully dressed – was driving him crazy, and he moved to lick one long line from clavicle to the back of his ear.
“You’re slobbering all over me,” Fenris groaned, tilting his head back in complete acceptance. “Like a dog. Like your dog. Is this a Fereldan courtship thing?”
“You know you like it,” Reid said, nibbling Fenris’s earlobe, and Fenris clutched him closer. Most humans thought long pointed ears looked stupid, but Reid thought Fenris’s ears were as hot as the rest of him. And his long straight nose, and his firm lips, and his luminous green eyes… He was perfect, all of him.
When all was said and done, and they were lying on the rug before the fire together, Reid loosely gathered Fenris in to lay his head on his chest. “How was it?”
“Incredible,” Fenris said. “Better than the first time. I didn’t know that was possible.”
“Did anything…”
“No,” he said. “I’m fine. …That possibility still frightens me. But I won’t… I won’t run this time.”
“And who knows, maybe doing it more will just bring your memory back,” Reid said lightly, daring to joke about it.
Fenris snuggled in closer. “I don’t care either way anymore. But I still think I would rather not, pain aside. I am who I am. I am complete as I am. Why should remembering another life complete me more?”
“That’s the most self-accepting thing I think you’ve ever said,” Reid said. “You’re absolutely right, your past does not define you. It never has. You are Fenris – you are you – and you are loved.” He squeezed his shoulders a little, his chest aching with feelings he couldn’t express in words. “I love you. As you are, for who you are-“
“You can stop now,” Fenris said, sounding suspiciously choked up.
Reid stroked his hair and was quiet for all of ten seconds. “Though what little I do know of your past sounds just like you.”
“What, fighting all the time?”
“Being willing to sacrifice everything for those you care about,” Reid said. “Maybe you didn’t know just how much ‘everything’ meant, maybe you did. Either way… Maker’s breath, you’re fucking amazing.”
“Is that how you took it?” Fenris thought. “I suppose I won’t stop you. I’d sacrifice everything for you if I had to.”
“Please don’t,” Reid said. “Sacrifice everything for a smartass mage…?”
“Sacrifice everything for you,” Fenris said, raising himself to his elbow to look down on him. “Because all I’ve seen of you is how much you care about others, even people you don’t know, and I only care about you.”
Reid looked up at him seriously, reached up to stroke his face, and Fenris leaned into it like a cat. “I don’t know, it would be a shame if you fought so hard for your life and then didn’t take advantage of it. I care about you too, you know.”
“Don’t be such a fucking hero,” Fenris said, and kissed him.
“You’re a fucking hero,” Reid said back.
“Shut up,” Fenris said, but he was smiling.
Smile
“What do you want,” Fenris grumbled as Reid pushed open the door.
“Wanted to chat. Bad day?”
“It’s fine,” Fenris said, but it obviously wasn’t fine. Thunderclouds were veritably gathering around his head, and he was prowling around his room.
Reid sat down in his usual spot and contemplated his options. “I don’t believe you.”
“Well, it’s none of your business,” Fenris said. “I’m not going to whine to you every time some tiny thing goes wrong.”
“But that’s what I’m here for,” Reid said. “I whine about things all the time. What sort of friend would I be if my friends couldn’t do that for me too?” He dropped his voice, raised an eyebrow. “What sort of boyfriend would I be if I didn’t support my lover on even – especially the tiny things?”
Fenris grunted and didn’t answer. So eloquence wasn’t going to work in this situation.
“…Did you know,” Reid said, conversationally, as if changing subject, “you can’t feel your tongue when you smile?”
“That’s nonsense,” Fenris said immediately… and his lips twitched up, as if just to check. Reid smiled sweetly at him, and Fenris involuntarily mirrored it before turning away in a huff. “That’s childish.”
“I love you,” Reid said.
“You’re a fool.”
“I know. I love you.”
Fenris sighed and stopped pacing. “I… love you too. Although I don’t know why.”
“Because your bad moods don’t bother me. Come on. Did someone say something nasty to you?”
“Yes,” Fenris said. “Some asshole in the streets. It doesn’t matter. Just mocking me for not being human. Normally it doesn’t bother me.”
“What an idiot,” Reid said. “Want me to go scare the shit out of him in a non-lethal manner?”
“…Sure,” Fenris said. “Some fine fellow with a yellow beard. I’ll point him out sometime.”
Reid held out his arms. “Come cuddle with me and let’s talk about inconsequential things. I came over to ask – do you want to move in with me?”
“Move in…?” Fenris said, as if that thought had not occurred to him before.
“Yeah, take all the stuff here that you want to keep and put it in my house, and then come sleep in my bed full-time. It would get Aveline off your ass about the house falling apart. And Bodahn off mine about worrying him when I don’t come home.” Was Fenris’s house a metaphor for Kirkwall, or was that just silly?
Fenris was still standing, but he was drifting in Reid’s direction. “I don’t know. I want to be at your side, but you know how I need space sometimes.”
“Sure, and you can have it…”
Fenris shook his head. “I mean completely my own space. Just in case. I… No, I don’t mean to shut you out-“
“I know,” Reid said. “I trust you.”
Fenris gave him a little smile at that. “Just give me time. I don’t want to move in yet. It’s still so new to me to… to not hold back or hide my feelings.”
“I understand,” Reid said. “Take all the time you need. I’ll be here.”
Fenris climbed on top of him. “I knew you’d say that.”