Is it weird that I’ve accepted Ceniro/Lyn as endgame and I’m still not super feeling it from her at this point? : P

The title of this chapter makes me think of Kiss Me Paradox… The actual chapter absolutely does not. >.>

 

Kiss Me

Blood was pouring down my left arm from a deep spear-wound, mingling with cold rainwater. I couldn’t move it anymore or it would send bolts of agony lancing through me. But I hadn’t been hit anywhere else. I could keep moving, relying on the speed of my footwork, which was my greatest asset in this fight.

Lundgren towered over me, a tall, strong, middle-aged man. His spear was long and, as I had found, sharp, and his armour was thick. But I had the Mani Katti, and he couldn’t keep up with me. I gritted my teeth against the pain of my arm, keeping tears back, and braced my feet to attack again, glaring with fury and hate. This man was the cause of all my problems since I had started on this journey, this man was trying to kill my grandfather and me, and I would kill him here and now.

The others were hanging back, no one interfering on Ceniro’s order, watching in a semi-circle around us; beyond them, soldiers of Caelin watched as well, ready to kill them all if I messed up. If I died.

Ceniro trusted me to win. They all did. I wouldn’t fail them.

“Why won’t you give up?” Lundgren snarled, disheveled from his duel with me, his armour rent from my enchanted sword, his hair slicked to his head by the rain. “This should all have been mine by now! A doddering old man and a savage girl-”

Savage girl, hen’s teeth. I dashed forward, saw the lance aiming at me, shifted my weight to dodge without losing step. I was almost successful; the tip of it grazed my side, slicing easily through my deel and leaving a wound across my side that I hardly felt, I was so focused on getting to him. Was my sword arm strong enough? With the glowing Mani Katti, it had to be.

I drove the sword forwards, and it stabbed into his armour, grinding into it almost effortlessly, piercing steel, cloth, and flesh and bone. He grunted, an explosive sound that had blood in it, and I had to jump back as he collapsed forward, almost crushing me under his massive armour.

He landed with a crash on the cobblestones in the gate. I had already turned away to look inside the castle. Lundgren no longer mattered. What if my grandfather had died while I was out here fighting? I wiped my sword hastily and sheathed it as I hurried under the gate. None of the soldiers would attack me now, I knew. My arm didn’t matter. My side didn’t matter. I could barely feel them now over the emotions surging within me anyway.

I made it across the courtyard, and up the steps to the double door that probably led to the main hall. A man in fine clothes stood there, and he bowed low to me. “Lady Lyndis?”

“Who are you?” I demanded, hearing the footsteps of the others hurrying after me. “Can I see my grandfather?” Ceniro was first, followed by Serra’s fast light footsteps, and a blue glow lit up around me, slightly blurring my vision of the man before me. But I felt more relaxed afterwards, my arm and side no longer bleeding.

“I am Reissmann, the chancellor to the Caelin family. It gives me great joy to welcome you home.”

“Great,” I said shortly. He seemed sincere, but none of that was important right now. I didn’t care. Get out of my way. “Does my grandfather yet live?”

“Yes,” said the chancellor. What was a chancellor again? I’d ask later. “I will take you to him now. I’m afraid your friends cannot come with you; he is very weak, and has asked for no visitors.”

He better not be lying. “Very well. Lead the way.”

 

I left General Wallace to take care of the rest of my companions and followed the chancellor through the hall and up into the third story of the castle, to a hallway richly carpeted and decorated. Lamps burned dimly along its length.

Reissmann stopped in front of a carven wood door. “Please do not be shocked by what you see, Lady Lyndis. Lord Hausen is not a young man, and he has been poisoned for some time now.”

“I understand,” I said. “I just want to see him.”

Reissmann nodded and pushed open the door gently.

The room was quite dark – there was only a pair of lamps, and the heavy curtains were closed, letting in not a bit of light. There was a hoarse sigh from the bed across the room, from a nest of white silk blankets and pillows. “Who is there?” drifted out a tremulous old voice. “I said I would have no visitors. Leave me.”

I swallowed and took a couple steps closer, my nerve almost failing me now. No! I had fought through so much, too much to be afraid now.

“What are you doing?” the voice asked, querulous and sad. “Leave me… to die…”

I was close enough to see the old man lying in the bed now, and I took a deep breath. “Um… pardon me… My name is… I’m Lyndis.” My voice was not quite steady and I swallowed again.

The old man’s eyes opened, surprisingly bright, for all his face was thin and gaunt and deeply lined with age. “Eh? Did you say Lyndis?”

I took another step closer, my courage returning at the sight of the hope in his eyes. “My father’s name was Hassar, chieftain of the Lorca. My mother was Madelyn. I was raised on the plains of Sacae.”

“Could it be?” My grandfather began struggling to sit up amidst his soft bedding. “Come, come here. Let me see your face.”

I picked up a lamp and moved it to the table by the bedside so he could see better, and reached out to help him to sit up. His eyes searched my face as mine searched his, looking for traces of my mother in him. His hair was white and smooth, and his face had once been proud and handsome; even now it was the face of a dignified man, but with sad eyes under fierce brows. Sickness and poison had taken its toll, though; his eyes were sunken, and his skin was oddly translucent. I prayed to Mother Earth he would get better.

Whatever he was looking for, he must have found it, for he smiled suddenly, transforming his face into that of family, kind and loving. “Oh… yes… there is no doubt. You are Madelyn’s trueborn child…” He broke off to cough, turning away so he wouldn’t cough on me.

I didn’t care. “Grandfather!” I cried, and fell forward, onto my knees beside the bed, throwing my arms around him. I tried not to cry, but a couple of tears might have leaked out anyway. It was all right. He was my grandfather.

He coughed again with my impact, and I felt bad, but then his arms went around me, holding me gently. “Lundgren told me that my daughter had died. My daughter and her whole family. He told me you were dead. Thank you… thank you for living.” He sighed. “I am blessed…”

“Mother and Father were slain last year by brigands,” I confessed. “I… I was one of the only survivors. I…” I wish I’d known to come see you sooner, I wanted to say, but the words stuck against more tears.

“Lyndis… please forgive a prideful old man. If I had but accepted your parents’ love… there would have been no bandits. We would have lived here together in perfect peace.” I felt drops on my head and realized he was crying too.

I held him tighter, then leaned back to look at him. “Grandfather… My parents, my tribe… Our life was one of love and peace. The end was tragic, but… up until the attack, we were truly happy.”

His smile was tremulous but it warmed my heart. “Truly? Madelyn had a life of happiness? Knowing that gives me so much joy. Thank you, Lyndis. I can die in peace now…”

I jumped to my feet, putting my hands on his shoulders. “No, Grandfather! You mustn’t say that!”

He shook his head wearily, looking like he wanted to lie down again. “There’s no avoiding it, Lyndis. I’ve taken too much poison for far too long. It’s too late…”

Nonsense! He was already sitting up, his voice was stronger! “Be brave, Grandfather! You will recover! Believe me! On the plains, we say that illness fails in the face of a strong heart! I am with you now! You mustn’t give up!”

“You’re… with me…”

“Yes,” I said, my eyes shining. “We have so much to talk about. We can take walks together, you can show me Caelin, I can play music for you – there’s so much I want to do with you, so much lost time we can recover!”

“That does sound… nice…” Already he seemed more hopeful.

“Doesn’t it? And once you’re well, I’ll take you to the plains. I’ll show you the endless sky, the oceans of grass… I want you to know the lands my parents loved so much!” And that I loved too, it went without saying.

“The lands Madelyn loved…” He sat up straighter, his face brightening again. “You’re right. It seems that I still have… quite a bit of living to do.”

“Yes! You can do it, Grandfather! I’ll help you!”

He reached out and hugged me again. “Thank you for coming to me, Lyndis. I’ll need your strength and youthful energy in the days to come.”

For a long moment he held me, and I put my head on his shoulder. I had a family again. And yes, perhaps I could feel my mother in him, and see how my father respected him.

After a moment, he held me at arm’s length again to look at me again. “So you’re eighteen, are you not?”

“I am eighteen, soon nineteen,” I told him.

His gaze fell to my arm, where the angry scar from Lundgren’s lance was still very visible. Serra had been in a hurry. “What’s this?” And the tear in my deel across my side, too.

“I fought Lundgren,” I said, maybe a little defiantly. “He wounded me… but I killed him. He will not tear any families apart again.”

“You are as strong as your parents,” my grandfather said in wonder. “With that Sacaean blade, I take it?”

“Yes. It is called the Mani Katti, and it… chose me.”

“You must tell me everything, soon,” Grandfather said. “Perhaps not this moment. I… I think the doctor should be fetched. And surely you were not alone in coming here; you should see to your friends and companions. Kent and Sain… are they still with you?”

“Yes, they have been the best of guides for this entire journey.”

“That is good. I thought perhaps they were a bit young to have such an important mission, but they are talented, and the old general assured me they were ready…”

“They were brilliant,” I assured him. “Thank you for sending them.”

“And – a very important matter, now – you are a beautiful young woman, is there anyone in your life whom you admire?”

I blinked and felt a blush spreading over my face. “I-I don’t actually know. Not really. Maybe?” But that person hadn’t said anything, so he didn’t count! But- Oh, I was so confused about him. And it was so annoying.

My grandfather actually laughed aloud. “Well, go fetch Reissmann and tell him to get the doctor. I will try, Lyndis. I will recover… for my family.”

I smiled widely at him and went to do as he asked.

 

Over the next couple weeks, my life got really, really busy. I would have thought I would get to spend lots of time with my grandfather, but that wasn’t quite the case. He was recovering, and I spent several hours each day with him, but Chancellor Reissmann insisted that I be around to help with the management of Caelin. I protested, saying I had exactly zero wish to inherit, and no experience with managing small kingdoms, but he insisted, and I gave in with a grimace rather than upset everyone. Grandfather could sort it out when he got better. Which he was doing with great rapidity, to everyone’s relief and happiness.

Many of my companions left on their separate ways soon after we arrived, but Kent and Sain stayed, of course, and were promoted as befitted them, and Wil and Florina actually signed on as knights of Caelin, to my joy, and Ceniro stayed as well, though not as a knight. The garrison would have been very happy to have him, but he was good at fading into the background and they spent a lot of time overlooking him even as they praised his skills.

And Kent and Sain fulfilled their promises to show me around, and some days we went off on long rides to see new parts of Caelin, with Wil and Florina and Ceniro. It was fun, with the wind in our hair and the sun shining brightly on the green fields and forests; Caelin was as lovely as my mother had said, as Kent and Sain had said, as Ceniro had said. Yes, I could grow to love this land. Even if I would forever be homesick for the wide, sweet-smelling plains.

But Ceniro himself… I still hadn’t really figured out how I felt for him. Now I worried that I wouldn’t be able to, the way he was around but not really, always lurking in the background, too shy to come into the open and talk with large groups of people. I wanted to bring him out to stand with me; no one in Castle Caelin would object, he was the reason we were all alive, after all, but he was too slippery to let me. And even though I had resolved to try to talk to him, I could never seem to find the right time – everyone wanted my time, and I couldn’t turn them all down politely.

So why was he still around, then? Did he actually like me? He’d always been by my side before, and now he wasn’t, and – what did he want? How could I encourage him to say something? To do something? Or to go away and let me be? But I didn’t really want him to go away, although I knew he would eventually. His feet could never stay in one place for long, he told me, and he’d already been here a week. He was driving me crazy without even trying.

Weren’t we good friends? Why couldn’t I just talk to him?

 

One time when I was out with only Sain for company, we stopped at a little shop in a little village where I bought a strong ash staff. Ceniro was still missing his, after all. Sain smiled knowingly as I did so, and I glared at him, which only made him chuckle. That rascal.

Was this okay? Wait, of course this was okay. We were at least friends. There was nothing wrong with getting a gift for a friend, especially one who’d helped me as much as Ceniro had. In fact, just a staff felt wildly inadequate when compared to all he’d done for me.

“I don’t think you need to worry, Lady Lyn,” Sain said suddenly on the ride home, smiling as if he knew a secret. When I glanced at him with a frown, he gestured to the staff. “You keep fidgeting with it. It’s all right. He’ll like it, especially if it’s you who gives it to him.”

I blushed and looked away again, which made him laugh again. It was so frustrating, I didn’t blush nearly this much when talking to Ceniro directly, or when he was present in the conversation, hovering on the fringes near me like he normally did. Only when he wasn’t around. Ugh!

I didn’t give it to him that day, or the day after. And I didn’t talk to Florina about him. I had to make up my own mind. I was acting like a little girl, and it was irritating me.

What was it that confused me? Was it because he wasn’t Sacaean? That would be silly, in the end. If he liked me, my heritage had little to do with it, I was certain – he liked me because I was Lyn. Was it because he wasn’t what I was expecting in a man? That could be it. And that would also be silly.

Okay, expectations aside, what was it I liked about him?

Memories of a flustered blush, of an intent, calculating expression, of a strong, calm voice giving orders, of a soft voice responding to my questions, of hands shaking and worried for my sake, and most of all of glad grey eyes shining with the thoughts of things he loved came into my mind. He was a good man, certainly. I could do worse than let myself fall for him. Even if I had to wait for him, tied as I was now to Caelin, at least for the time being.

I could bear waiting.

Now if he would only say something.

 

It had been two weeks since I arrived at Castle Caelin, and we’d eaten dinner, and I was talking with Reissmann and Grandfather, when I looked around the hall. “Wait, Ceniro’s not here tonight.”

“Want me to go look for him? Lady Lyn?” Florina asked in a whisper.

“If he left without saying goodbye like Matthew and Rath did, I’m going to chew him out so hard… Yes, please, Florina.” I turned and bowed to my grandfather. “I’ll be right back; I’m just going out to the wall.”

“As you like,” Grandfather said, with a twinkle in his eye. I pretended to ignore it; I couldn’t huff at my grandfather, after all.

Wil and Florina had found him together. “He set out towards the north,” Wil said, having spotted him while on the wall and run down to tell me. “You better hurry if you want to chew him out!”

“Thanks. I’ll be right back.” I saddled my horse, grabbed the staff, and hurried out of the gate.

He hadn’t gotten too far form the castle, and I caught up to him on a little hill to the north-west. The sun was setting behind him, and it was a little hard to see his face in the shadow. “Ceniro!”

But he didn’t look unhappy to see me. Actually, he looked embarrassed. “Um… hi, Lyn.” And his voice was definitely sheepish.

I dismounted beside him and frowned at him. “You weren’t going to sneak off like some of the others, were you?”

He looked down at the ground. “I’m really bad at farewells, and, um, it’s time I was on my way.”

I had thought as much and I gave him a sad smile, forgetting all about giving him a piece of my mind. “I’ll really miss you, you know. You’ve done so much for me, and…” And what? And I love you? That seemed a bit strong, a bit sudden. Shouldn’t he say it first? We were finally able to talk, and now neither of us was talking, only staring.

The silence got more and more awkward until Ceniro cleared his throat and rubbed the back of his neck. “Well, you’re all set now, with your grandfather and the others. Are you going to take him to the plains when he’s well?”

“Yes, when he’s well, and when he’s not too busy. I’m told that he has a lot of work to do, setting the things Lundgren did back to rights.” Ceniro already knew that last part, why was I telling him that?

“Ah. I see.” He didn’t know what to say to that either.

More staring. What wouldn’t I give for some comedy crickets right now. In Sacae that would be all we could hear, especially at this time of year. But here there was only the wind, and a distant bird.

“Oh! I almost forgot.” After all the effort I’d put in to getting it and bringing it. I turned to get the staff and present it to him. “I thought you might like this, since yours got broken before.”

That big, involuntary smile. It lit up his face, lit up his eyes, and made him incredibly handsome. My mind was made up. Time to stop acting like a little girl. I was a grown woman, and if he wasn’t going to say anything, I would. “Oh, thank you!” he was saying. “Th-that’s very thoughtful of you. I’ll take care of it.”

“Ceniro,” I almost interrupted him, “y-you like me, right?” No, don’t shake, my voice. My heart was beating too fast. It wasn’t like this was a battle or anything.

He froze. “Ummmmm…”

“Y-you do, right?” Was there someone else in his life, that he hadn’t told me about before? The longer he stood staring, the more red I became. I couldn’t help that. But also the bigger the anxious knot in my stomach became.

“Well, um, yes, everyone does-”

He was evading, his eyes looking everywhere except at me. Just say it. I know already. “No, I mean… Do you… do you love me?”

“Y-y-yes. Um. Yes, I do. Um.”

I giggled uncontrollably. Your turn, Lyn. “I thought so! Um, I, um, like you too.”

He dropped the staff, still staring as if his mind had just exploded. Maybe it had. Which would be too bad. He had a wonderful mind.

I filled in the gaps. “So, um, let’s meet again! I understand if you don’t want to stay, of course, you’re a wanderer, and you told me you always want to see what’s over the next hill, but… you will come back eventually, right?”

His brain was still playing catch-up, apparently. “L-lyn, I’m- I’m not the right guy-”

Did he think I hadn’t spent any time thinking about my decision? “That’s not true!” I said firmly. “You are if I say you are. Don’t worry about what anyone else thinks. All right?”

“A-all right.” And he gave me a shaky but completely genuine smile.

“So are you going to kiss me or what?” I demanded, my heart pounding in my chest.

He swallowed hard. “Um.”

But his arms reached out and encircled me, drawing me closer so gently, as if he were afraid his touch would crush me. The look of wonder on his face suggested he thought he was dreaming. I put my arms about his neck and waited.

But I was impatient, and a moment later, I was the one who leaned up, closed my eyes, and touched my lips to his. I felt his breath catch and his arms tightened around me, and he returned the kiss, gently. I would have been more glad with something more passionate for my first kiss, but this seemed to be his first kiss too, and he was a shy person. I would take it. It was who he was.

Our mouths parted, and I leaned over to whisper in his ear: “But if you ever try to leave without saying goodbye again, whether or not you love me, I’ll kick your backside to Sacae and back.”

He burst into slightly hysterical laughter and held me tightly. “I promise.”

“Good.”

He leaned forward and kissed me again sweetly. “I’ll be back sometime.”

“I know. I’ll be waiting.”

Reluctantly, he let me go. “Well, um, goodbye.”

“Safe journeys,” I wished him, and he picked up the staff and began to stride off, that easy, steady stride of his that could go all day, turning to wave once he reached the bottom of the hill. I waved back, but I didn’t set off back home until he was out of sight and the sun had set.

Home? Castle Caelin, yes, it was home now. Maybe the man I had just set my heart on was no longer there, but I had family there, and good friends, and plenty to keep myself busy until I saw him again, or took my grandfather to Sacae, or both.