This is mostly that bit from Chapter 10 of The Tactician and the Black Fang. Now I’m starting to feel it from Lyn… finally.

 

Believe Me

Lord Elbert was dead. Ninian and Nils were with us. The situation was far more complicated than any of us had feared.

And Ceniro had been avoiding me ever since I yelled at him in Badon.

I had to stay strong, for my companions, and for Eliwood, who was under so much stress even before we found and lost his father, but there was a part of me inside that was wretched. When I remembered how good friends we’d been last year, compared to now, I just wanted to go somewhere by myself and cry.

And now that we were back on the pirate ship, heading back to Badon, I had time to do that. To cry for Ceniro, and to cry for Eliwood, and to cry because I’d failed both of them.

Florina came into our cabin before I was quite done, but that was all right. It was time to pull myself together and be a grown-up again. “How are you doing, Florina?” I sat up to look at her and wiped my eyes, putting on a tired smile.

“Shouldn’t I be the one asking you that?” Florina asked, giving me a sad smile of her own. “You’re tired and upset too, and yet you’re still being strong for me.”

“But you’re being strong for me,” I pointed out. “And for your sister, too. How is she?”

“She’s been doing better,” Florina said. “She knows Priscilla and Erk and Ceniro, so I can come talk to you and not worry that she’s going to be alone.”

Ceniro… “He must be so upset right now.”

“He is…”

“Hm? How do you know?”

“He’s not sleeping.”

Oh? Maybe I could talk to him, then. There’d been no better time so far. “Where is he?” I asked, standing.

Florina blinked at me, then smiled. “He’s on the main deck by a barrel. You haven’t talked since you met again, have you?”

I hesitated. “No… There hasn’t been the right time, with everything happening, and… augh.” I couldn’t explain everything that was in my head and my heart with him. “I don’t know what to do with him. I’ve never known what to do with him. He’s the same as ever, calm and clever and with those amazing eyes, and he seems more confident than last year, more open, and I just keep upsetting him. He gives me orders as professionally as ever, but he doesn’t want to talk me, and I’m afraid to bother him more…”

“You like him, though, right?” Florina asked.

“Yes,” I said. “I want to… I want to talk to him more, and see his face light up when he talks about traveling, I want to hug him again, I want to stroke his hair, I want to walk with him through Sacae, just the two of us…” My heart was aflutter even just talking about these things.

“Then go talk to him now,” Florina said, with a little smile. “He probably wants to talk to you as badly as you want to talk to him, but he’s too shy to. It’s like how I wanted to thank Lord Hector for saving my life, but I didn’t have the courage to until you yelled at him for me.”

I blushed; that was not the most spectacular memory I had of Hector. Actually, most memories I had of interacting with Hector usually made both of us look bad. I was really too hard on Eliwood’s friend. “You’re right. And I’d like to do that now. Sleep well, Florina; I’ll see you later.”

“Good night, Lady Lyn.”

I wandered out of our cabin, stopping to peek through a crack into Eliwood’s, and up to the deck; Ceniro was a lump near the foot of the main mast, huddled in his pale green cloak. The same one he’d been wearing the year before, it looked like, and getting a bit threadbare around the shoulders and ragged around the bottom. Everything about him was old… although his boots seemed newer. They were less patched than the ones I remembered about him. He was staring at his farseer tool, and the shifting colours in the little glow of magical light it gave off told me he was looking at the battles again. And probably again, and again. I knew him that well, at least.

I approached him a little hesitantly and crouched near him. “Florina tells me you’re not sleeping.”

He blinked stupidly at me, his eyes tired but unwilling to close. “How does she know?”

Wasn’t it obvious? “I didn’t ask. Probably was passing by and saw. Ceniro…” I took a deep breath before broaching the more important topic. “It’s not your fault, you know that, right?”

His hands clenched unconsciously around the farseer. “Lord Eliwood asked me to come on this quest. I volunteered to help. He… Well, his father is gone, so we didn’t exactly succeed, did we?”

“That’s because it’s a bigger quest than we thought it was. When did you start calling him ‘lord’ again?” Ceniro didn’t answer, didn’t look at me. “Don’t. He doesn’t want that. I don’t know him all that well, but he would be very bothered by it.”

“He’s also lost in grieving…”

“Which means he needs us more than ever; he doesn’t need us to run away because we think he needs space or because we’re afraid of him or of hurting him. He does need space, but he needs us to be there, too. Anyway, you’re avoiding the point.”

He sighed. “I just… I know I could have prevented it. Somehow.”

“How?” Flashes came into my mind, the horrified look on his face when he saw we were caught between Jaffar and Ephidel, the even more horrified look when he saw the dragon, the desperate, frantic calculations running through his head and across his face, and a terrible sad look that said he was preparing to lose someone, a look I’d never seen before and hoped never to see again. “I saw your face during that showdown. You were thinking that we were completely hung out to dry by fate. We can’t fight two demonically-powerful magic users, an assassin, and a dragon of all things.”

His words came slowly, pebbles thrown in a pool of hopelessness. “But… while I don’t regret any of the things that happened up until the Dragon’s Gate, not really… I mean, I think they were all necessary… And I try to live without… regrets…” Very wise, that. “Maybe I could have done things differently, we could have gotten there sooner, Nergal wouldn’t have been ready…”

“Not true,” I said firmly. He was wise, but not seeing sense right now. How was I the sensible one? “Being there sooner would have meant nothing. Nergal was waiting for Ninian to come back. And we didn’t know; what could we have done? Left her and half the group back while going in with the other half to rescue Lord Elbert? We might have failed entirely doing that.”

I shook a finger at him mock-chidingly. “Besides, we know now. What you are doing is absolutely useless. We won’t make the same mistake twice, and you are not analyzing what happened to prepare yourself for next time – and there will be a next time! What you are doing is self-flagellation. You want to live without regrets? You are doing it wrong.”

He sighed again and put his head back for a long moment. “…You’re right.”

Of course I was. I casually got closer to him. Would it be all right if… Well, I was cold. “Can I borrow some of your cloak? It’s cold out here and I left mine in the cabin.” I felt a little foolish about it. I knew it was cold at night on a ship.

To my hopeful joy, he held one end open so that I could join him under it, and I wasted no time in sliding under it next to him. There wasn’t much, so I had to lean on him to keep myself warm and I had to hold it in front of me, but… he was warm, too. I was a little surprised how little he reacted to my proximity – before, he would have been blushing all day. But he’d grown up a little more in the year he’d been away. We both had.

He finally put the farseer away and clasped his hands on his knees in front of him. “I can’t promise I won’t think about it. But Eliwood needs more than that from me. So I’ll keep trying to do my best for him, whatever he decides to do next.”

“Good call,” I told him. “You know, you’re not the only one thinking that. Remember, I said to him I would try to prevent him from losing a parent? And I’m sure Hector is pretty upset about it too.”

“Hector’s asleep in my cabin with Wil and Guy. He snores.”

I had to giggle. “Is that why you came up here?”

“Sort of. I think he is pretty exhausted, though. He spent all today shepherding us back to the shore.”

“True, I don’t think we could have pulled through so smoothly without him. He really is better than he appears at first glance.” I really should try not to fight with him so much. I ran again through the still-short list of my interactions with the man and winced. I was really a pain to Hector as well as Ceniro.

“I like him,” Ceniro said simply.

I had to admit it. “I like him too. And you’re right. He’s worked hard, being a strong leader for the rest of us, he deserves a break to snore. Eliwood’s probably not sleeping either. I peeked on my way up here… he’s just sitting there, holding his father’s hand. It’s… heartbreaking.”

I could feel Ceniro’s gaze drift in my direction, cautiously. “Did you ever…”

I knew what he was asking. “No.” Already I could feel tears welling up. When, oh when, would I be able to face my family’s slaughter with composure? It had been almost two years and I still grieved them like it was a month ago. Not that I ever wanted to forget them, or even what happened, but just that I could do so without weeping so hard. “The Taliver poisoned the Lorca’s water supply. By the time they attacked, we were all too sick to fight, but it was too late by the time we discovered the poison… My father sent me away on a stumbling horse, and I was found delirious by Djute scouts a day later.” I was as tense as a bowstring and forced myself to finish the story. “By the time I woke up ten days later… my people were all dead and buried.”

Ceniro shifted suddenly and I felt his left arm slide around me to pull me against his chest. “I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be,” I said, the kind gesture reviving me. I leaned my head against his chest and treasured the thrill that ran through me in response. “I already told you, I will return someday and destroy them, though I’ll show them more mercy than they showed the Lorca. And you and the Caelin knights and any who choose to come will be with me.”

“We will,” he assured me, his voice quiet but strong. It comforted me more than I could have said.

“Just as we will be at Eliwood’s side as he takes on Nergal and the Black Fang. Though I think Eliwood is less… interested in revenge than I am.”

I felt him shrug. “He might be, but he seems the kind of person to be more interested in protecting the remaining people he loves, I think. Though taking revenge and stopping… um… the end of the world as we know it look a lot like the same thing from here.”

“Anyway, the Taliver will be child’s play for you after the Black Fang.”

“That’s probably true.”

We sat in silence for a moment. Was it time to talk about the other thing yet? It was probably time to talk about the other thing. Although the arm around me mostly answered the questions I had. …Or did it? He wouldn’t do this for just anyone, certainly… but someone as friendly with him as I was, would he do it for them, even if he wasn’t in love with them? Probably. So yes, I had to ask, to know.

“So is it just me, or were you avoiding me since we met again in Caelin?”

He flinched. “Not at first… just being busy.” I’d thought as much. Although the way he escaped my tackle-hug at Caelin had given me doubts. “Then you were mad at me for staying with Eliwood to talk to pirates…”

“But I got over that…”

“I know, but I was… afraid, still.”

“Afraid of me?” I wouldn’t have gone that far. “Ceniro, you are a silly, silly man.”

“Well… how was I supposed to know?” he asked defensively. “You can hold a grudge when you want to.”

Normally that would have irritated me, but he was right, it was true, I could. “So… you were still afraid of me when we were traveling across the Dread Isle?”

“Um… a bit, yes.”

I snorted derisively. “Ceniro…” What was I going to do with him? Apparently he wasn’t going to come to the point before I was. I had to say it as clearly as I knew how. …And if I got a nice reaction out of him in doing so, bonus. I lifted my head and quickly kissed him on the cheek.

I heard him swallow and his chest stopped moving for breathing, but his heart was pounding. My own heart was pounding. Then he sort of gasped a breath before he spoke again. “Are… are we starting there, then? Where we left off… last year?”

“Why not?” I asked, trying to sound casual and confident. “We may have changed, both of us, but that doesn’t mean that our bond has. Does it?”

“I-I don’t know.” He hadn’t stammered around me for a long time. It was cute.

“What, so you don’t love me anymore? I distinctly remember you saying you loved me,” I reminded him with a teasing grin, secure in his answer.

“I do!” he exclaimed, and blushed furiously. “I do,” he went on more quietly. “You’re still the most amazing woman I ever met. I’m just… figuring things out still, about myself.” You and me both. “Just wait; I’ll give up my wandering ways to stay with you forever yet.”

“But what if I don’t want you to give up your wandering ways? What if I want to join you on them?”

“What will become of Caelin?”

Was it really that important? “Ummm… maybe I can make Kent the new Marquess after my grandfather’s passing. Of course I will certainly stay while my grandfather lives, and we’d make frequent visits back there even after. But I’d be a terrible Marquess anyway.”

“But you’re a natural leader…”

I was? That was the nicest thing anyone had said to me or about me in a long time. “Of the non-existent Lorca, perhaps… and of the dozen survivors, none would follow a woman…”

“Their loss,” he quipped, and I had to smile.

We fell into silence, comfortable silence, both of us relaxed against each other. I was quite warm now, warmed by his arm and his body, and the rocking motion of the ship was quite gentle tonight. And for the first time since Laus had shown up, I was happy. I wasn’t crazy; Ceniro loved me; I loved him, we were together for the time being.

And finally I was sure; I did love him. My doubts before had been silly insecurities. I was glad I hadn’t mentioned them at all; they would just make him insecure and then we’d be trapped in a never-ending spiral of insecurity. But no, I was sure now. Hearing his voice again, just talking about things, even unimportant things… I couldn’t see his face too well in the dark, but I knew how he would look, and how his lovely eyes would look… And being close to him like this, closer than I’d ever been before, for longer than ever before, and to be comfortable in it, this was the best feeling ever. And I was pretty sure he felt the same.

And… he was a good person. A good man. I would give my life for him if I had to.

His breathing deepened and became more even, and I realized he had fallen asleep beside me. I had to smile, but he was tired and had stayed up far too late beating himself up over things that weren’t his fault. I didn’t feel terribly tired just yet, though, so I stayed awake, watching the sky go up and down a little, smelling the strange salt air, still thinking about us. I was too happy to sleep.

Should I let my fancy run wild, and imagine days ahead together? Did I dare? Our quest was only half over, it seemed, and if there were dragons involved, there would be plenty of danger that could kill either or both or all of us. He could overcome almost anything, though… and if we did survive, I wanted to spend as much time as I could with him. As much time as he would let me. I wanted to see him smile every day, wanted to hold him and feel him holding me. He still hadn’t kissed me yet, and I hoped he would tomorrow. Fragments of dreams for the future flitted through my head…

I hoped he trusted me enough to believe me. Even people in love sometimes didn’t believe each other. Even sometimes didn’t trust each other enough to try to believe, although I thought he would try for me. But Lord Elbert’s death really wasn’t his fault. There was nothing he could have done to make the situation less catastrophic. Nils was the only person who could have stopped it, who could have gotten through to Ninian under her mind-control, and the fact that he stopped it when he did was nothing short of a miracle. Even the genius beside me couldn’t account for things he didn’t understand, for things no one could understand.

Another hour more, and my own eyes were starting to close when I heard soft but heavy footsteps and glanced around to see Hector coming up on deck. Wasn’t he sleeping in Ceniro’s room?

He saw us and came over with sleepy eyes. “What’re you two doing up here?”

“He couldn’t sleep, and neither could I,” I answered softly, not wanting to wake him. “I thought you were sleeping.”

“Was. Got up to go to the… head. You should sleep in a bunk, though, it’s weird enough sleeping on a boat. Ship. Thing.”

Hector newly awoken was not the most coherent of people, certainly. I smiled. “I’m afraid I’m stuck here for now.”

“Hm? Oh.” I was still getting used to the fact that Hector could be gentle when he wanted to, and he was gentle now as he lifted Ceniro into his arms. “I’ll get him back to bed. I’m sure he’d love to wake up next to you, the lucky guy, but he’d probably also appreciate waking up without a crick in his neck.”

I giggled quietly. “You’re probably right. You’ll be able to sleep again too, right?”

“Dunno. Eliwood’s still awake. I’ll try.”

“Hector… thank you for getting us here.”

He blinked at me. “You’re welcome, Lyn. Night.”

“Night.”